BONKERS!: The NEW Adventures "Wail to the Chief" Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY, DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY. (And I stay true to the characters!) DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS NOTICE REMAINS INTACT NOTE: This story takes place one week after my other, "The Color of Funny", and it will mark the next step in a nifty continuity similar to that of Doctor Who: The New Adventures. TEASER FADE IN- EST. INT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE BONKERS is on GRATING'S desk, balancing several PENCILS on his nose. GRATING Bobcat! Will you get offa my desk! BONKERS But Sarge, the twenty-ninth annual police talent show's coming up in just two months! I need to practice! GRATING is fuming, ready to strangulate BONKERS. GRATING Go practice somewhere else, you jerk! Like Alaska! MIRANDA comes in just in time to prevent GRATING from choking BONKERS! MIRANDA You guys aren't gonna believe this! Word is Chief Kanifky's going on a leave of absence! GRATING So his body's finally catching up to his brain. So what? He's got the most unused vacation time of any officer on the force. He deserves a break. MIRANDA He's going to announce his replacement today at roll call. We're supposed to report to Police Headquarters. BONKERS I used to work there! With Lucky, remember? In the basement? GRATING Pickle had the right idea. Too bad I can't lock YOU in the basement. GRATING rubs his chin. Hmm. Not a bad idea. CUT TO INT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS, READY ROOM Chief KANIFKY is at the podium, giving a speech. GRATING, MIRANDA and BONKERS walk in from OS. KANIFKY Glad to see you could join us, officers. Now, where was I? Oh yes. My replacement. As I'm taking this vacation to blatantly advance my political career by running for mayor, I've decided to appoint a replacement who would be tremendously popular with that untapped voting base... the toons. GRATING (sotto) No... not gonna happen.... KANIFKY No need to get all sentimental, Sergeant. I am selecting junior officer Bonkers D. Bobcat to be my official replacement. BONKERS jumps out of his seat and faces MIRANDA and GRATING. BONKERS Wow! Did you guys hear that? I'm gonna be da CHIEF! GRATING slaps his head and starts to cry softly. MIRANDA looks up in a "one of those days" expressions. SLOW FADE OUT- BONKERS OPENING THEME ACT ONE FADE IN- EST. INT. CHIEF KANIFKY'S OFFICE GRATING, BONKERS and MIRANDA are standing in front of KANIFKY's desk. GRATING But Chief! There are officers with ten times as much experience as Bonkers! Why don't you select one of them? KANIFKY My- My decision is final, Sergeant Grating. Bonkers will be the temporary Chief of Police for the three weeks I'll be running my campaign for mayor. It'll give him some experience at running a bloated city bureaucracy. BONKERS I won't let you down, Chief-o-Mine! BONKERS does an exaggerated salute. KANIFKY As of right now, I'm not the Chief anymore. (conspiratorily) That's your job. Call me Leonard. GRATING (angrily) And what am I supposed to call you?! KANIFKY Hopefully, Mr. Mayor in a few weeks. KANIFKY exits OS. BONKERS has changed into a version of KANIFKY's uniform. MIRANDA Well, looks like I'll need a new partner for the next two weeks... err.. sir. BONKERS Nonsense! You can be my assistant! MIRANDA Your... assistant? BONKERS (in a "Sheerluck Bonkers" accent which is maintained for rest of scene) You have done the work before, madam? MIRANDA Well, I was Chief Kanifky's assistant for a while, but- BONKERS Then it's settled! Report to me... Immediately, if not sooner! MIRANDA Right. GRATING (sarcastically) And what do I do, Chief? BONKERS You... get promoted to Lieutenant. MIRANDA leans over to BONKERS. MIRANDA BONKERS! (whispers) Ignoring the fact this is GRATING, I don't think Chief Kanifky would appreciate it if you went around promoting everybody?! GRATING shoves MIRANDA away. GRATING (suddenly pleased) Now, now, officer Wright, uhh... we can't interfere with our nice new Chief, can we? Anything special you'd like me to do, sir? BONKERS Why yes. Go out and get yourself a Lieutenant's bar. Then fetch me a glazed doughnut. GRATING growls, then BONKERS points at his collar where the bars would go, and GRATING smiles. GRATING Anything you say, sir. CUT TO INT. WACKYTOONS STUDIOS DUCK JONES, DARKWING DUCK, NEGADUCK and W.W. WACKY are on stage. W.W. WACKY I'm sorry, fellows, but Disney just yanked your show. Welcome to repeat-land. DARKWING DUCK What? Canceled? Us? You've gotta be joking? This is DARKWING DUCK you're talking about! D.J.? DUCK JONES Sorry, DW. Executive Decision. It seems it's Goofy's turn at the plate. NEGADUCK GOOFY?! That pathetic oldtimer? Why I oughta rip out his lungs and use them for fishbait! I-I... NEGADUCK whips out his chainsaw and revs it up. DUCK JONES picks up a phone. DUCK JONES Uh-Oh. Security? Negs is going to have another tantrum again. HIDEOUS SCREAMS from the other end of the phone. DARKWING Don't worry, Negs. We've all got residuals coming. Those pathetic paperpushers can't permanently plaster our prestigous careers! NEGADUCK I was never a fan of intense alliteration. NEGADUCK SLAMS DARKWING with the back end of the CHAINSAW! NEGADUCK Be sure to send me my residuals! Be REAL sure. NEGADUCK stalks OS. CUT TO a WALL. There is an open DOORWAY, brightly lit. A MAN in a trenchcoat is silhouetted in it. NEGADUCK walks towards him. NEGADUCK GET OUTTA MY WAY! MAN (in bad Italian accent) Negaduck? I represent the combined interests of an organization devoted to the promotion of flagrantly non legal activities in Hollywood. A local Teamster informed me of your rather unfortunate employment status. We could use you. NEGADUCK Oh yeah? Who's we? MAN Step into our office. The MAN steps out of the DOORWAY, revealing a massive STRETCH LIMO. NEGADUCK gets in. CUT TO INT. LIMO. THE GODFATHER is sitting at a small table, eating pasta as NEGADUCK is shown to him. THE GODFATHER (standard Al Pacino) Negaduck. I would like to offer you membership into the Hollywood Mafioso. You will work for me. Your criminal talents will benefit us. THE GODFATHER holds out a fish. NEGADUCK And what if I say no? Dozens of GANGSTERS appear from nowhere with various LIGHT to HEAVY arms all aimed at NEGADUCK. NEGADUCK Well, since you put it that way... (demonic grin) NEGADUCK produces his CHAINSAW! CUT TO EXT. LIMO. The MAN turns as he hears the sound of a CHAINSAW buzzing loudly and NEGADUCK's laughter! CUT TO 34TH PRECINCT, LOBBY. LT. GRATING, DENNIS and STARK are watching as a bunch of GANGSTERS, followed by THE GODFATHER walk into the LOBBY. GRATING Lemme get this straight, Dennis. The Godfather and half of the West Coast Mafia have just decided to turn themselves in? For no reason? DENNIS Actually, Sarge..err.. Lieutenant, they gave a reason. They said that somebody muscled them out of their territory. They're too afraid to say anything else. GRATING A new head of the underworld? And I didn't hear anything about it? This doesn't look good. We're gonna have to tell Chief Kanif... Bonkers. GRATING winces as he senses the depth of the problem. CUT TO CHIEF BONKERS' OFFICE The OFFICE is a mess, like someone threw a large party in it. Paper is all over the floor, drapes are torn and there are various junk food containers everywhere, and a giant one is prominently featured on the DESK. MIRANDA is hastily scribbling notes as BONKERS gives orders from his sitting position, feet propped up on the desk. BONKERS speaks only in his "Sheerluck Bonkers" voice. BONKERS -And furthermore, I declare that all paperwork is bad. There shall be no more paperwork in any precinct under my jurisdiction! MIRANDA (in a lifeless monotone) And how shall I submit this order, Sir? BONKERS By a memo, of course. MIRANDA (exasperated) Bonkers, that IS paperwork. BONKERS (normal voice for an instant) Oh yeah... hmm.... (Back to Sheerluck) Then... I delay this order! Yes, this order has been delayed for... rethinking! LT. GRATING walks into the office from OS. GRATING Uhh, Chief... we have a problem. BONKERS And what may that problem be, my good man? GRATING Well, the mafia has collapsed. BONKERS (normal again) Uhh, isn't that supposed to be a GOOD thing, Sarg...err.. Lt? GRATING Yeah-- except we have no idea who collapsed it or why. The Godfather isn't talking. BONKERS (Sheerluck) Well, when in doubt, always check an authoritative source... TV! BONKERS digs through some of the grabage on the DESK and produces a small TV set. PUSH IN on the TV SCREEN as a REPORTER is interviewing KANIFKY outside CITY HALL. REPORTER Candidate Kanifky, isn't it true that you're running for mayor while on vacation from the Hollywood Police Dpeartment? KANIFKY Uhh, yes. But I had that vacation time due me. I could have spent it fishing. A worthwhile hobby, fishing. You get to sit on the lake, daydreaming... no cares.. uhh... but I wanted to serve my community by running for a high-paying elected office! REPORTER I'm sure. Isn't it true that you chose Junior Officer Bonkers D. Bobcat, often referred to by this reporter as the "Walking Orange Disaster", to be your replacement when there were other, more qualified officers waiting in line? KANIFKY But Bonkers is a toon, and I wanted to demonstrate to the public, and to toons especially, that the sky is the limit! (And I hope the toons will remember that when they vote in two weeks). REPORTER Isn't it true that after Bonkers' first day on the job as Chief, the GODFATHER himself and half the west coast mafioso with him collectively surrenedered to police? KANIFKY I... I... haven't been back to the old office recently- REPORTER Doesn't this say that if a JUNIOR OFFICER who has spent ONE DAY on the job can get the GODFATHER to surrender- that your 12 out of 40 years on the force as Chief were a waste? A waste of our taxpayers dollars and of your time? Doesn't it say that the allegations about gross stupidity and incompetence at the highest levels of the Hollywood PD were true? And you want to be our MAYOR? KANIFKY Well I... uhh, that is, I... PULL BACK and OUT of the TV SCREEN to NEGADUCK, who has switched it OFF. NEGADUCK Look at that! The mayoral campaign is in chaos, and a rookie cop is running the show at the police department. NEGADUCK picks up a phone. Hello? Party Line? Get me Bushroot, Liquidator, Megavolt and Quacker Jack. Guys? Listen. I've already driven the mob out of Hollywood. Stop looking for new jobs. The FEARSOME FIVE are back in business! NEGADUCK pauses as he listens to some jibber on the phone. Forget Darkwing Duck. He and his dimwit pal Launchpad are on vacation in Hawaii right now, and the aggravating kids are starring in cereal commercials. LOOK! We're gonna take over this town! All we have to do first is take down the only serious competitors left! That's right.., (darkly) FLAPS and AL VERMIN and his gang... MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! FADE OUT- END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN- EST. INT. AL VERMIN'S HEADQUARTERS AL VERMIN and his GANG are seated around a table. AL VERMIN What's that, Bookworm? Flaps has suddenly left the country? Why, heheheh.. what wonderful news. Where has the pachyderm run off to? BOOKWORM The island of Bouvet', off the coast of Africa. Very remote, and almost no one goes there. It's not even on most maps. AL VERMIN Either that bloated elephant has learned to fly or there are some mighty big wings on that island... It doesn't matter! This means that the city is ours now. AL pauses as he notes a leak in the ceiling. AL VERMIN What's this? We're in the basement, the ceiling can't be leaking! The water drops collect on the table, and then MORPH into LIQUIDATOR! LIQUIDATOR Greetings, foul roach! Having trouble with leaks in your roof? Cracks in your organization? Seeing fleeing elephants and you don't know why? Ask the Liquidator! AL VERMIN All right. I'm game. What's going on? LIQUDATOR There's a new game in town! Limited time only offer! Get out of town by tonight... or- (darkly) face the consequences. AL VERMIN picks up a sponge from the background and ABSORBS LIQUIDATOR! AL VERMIN Or what? You drench me? LIQUDATOR (muffled) Thf earshume hive. AL SHAKES the SPONGE! AL VERMIN I can't hear you... LIQUIDATOR falls onto the table and reforms into a can of BUG SPRAY! LIQUIDATOR Or The FEARSOME FIVE comes for you! "They check in but they don't check out"- get it? AL VERMIN (mock gravity) Please. Save us. Don't hurt me! LIQUIDATOR MORPHS into a MALLET and SMASHES AL VERMIN FLAT! AL VERMIN Owwww..... LIQUIDATOR Meet Negaduck at the Hollywood WaterWorks Tonight. Don't be late. It's fun for the entire gang! LIQUIDATOR oozes out under a door. AL VERMIN I hate to do this. I really do. Bookworm! Give me the phone! BOOKWORM hands AL a PHONE. Hello? Hollywood Police? This is an... anonymous caller. SPLIT SCREEN TO OFFICER STARK STARK You sound familiar. Don't I know you? AL VERMIN Nono... They say I sound like that wonderful bug Al Vermin, but I'm nothing like him... anyway, I want to speak to Bonkers D. Bobcat. STARK The Chief is busy restructuring the department right now, sir. Can I help you? DENNIS walks in from OS with a BOX. DENNIS Hey, K-O, I got the arcade machine Bonkers sent over for our precinct. STARK Hey Hey, All right! Better than that silly dartboard we used to use on our breaks. AL VERMIN I need some help here? This is a matter of the utmost importance! DENNIS Bonkers also said he'd have a doughnut man assigned to each station! Say, are you talking to AL VERMIN on the phone? STARK Says he wants to talk to Bonkers. DENNIS Put him through. Bonkers is... relaxing right now. STARK Gotcha. CUT TO INT. CHIEF BONKERS' OFFICE. It is nighttime as can be seen through the windows. MIRANDA is sitting on the sofa next to the far wall, trying to figure out something on a paper. BONKERS is playing a video game. MIRANDA Bonkers, don't you think you're letting this Chief thing go to your head a little? I mean, 100 new squadcars? From Germany? BONKERS (sheerluck voice) My dear, faster cars will catch faster criminals. Elementary deduction. MIRANDA And how are you going to pay for all this? BONKERS You'd be amazed what you can do with taxpayer dollars. Ahh, yes. I figured out how to spread the word about the paperwork ban. I want you to personally go to each precinct and inform them yourself. MIRANDA (restrained anger) Bonkers, you're pushing it. BONKERS Now, Officer! Make it so! Do it! Henceforth, all paperwork will be disposed of! There will be no more reports! Burn all the ledgers! MIRANDA Henceforth- I quit! MIRANDA stalks out the door and OS. BONKERS (normal, agitated) Waitasec... Miranda? I didn't mean- BONKERS turns his attention to the trash on the desk and rummages around in it, eventually producing a phone. He will continue to use his normal voice from now on. He picks up the reciever BONKERS Hi, umm... I can't talk right now. What? Al Vermin? But Miranda just- All right, Allright already! Umm, Stark, can you just phone all the other precincts and tell them that Henceforth all paperwork... SPLITSCREEN TO AL VERMIN'S OFFICE AL VERMIN Finally! Bobcat, I need your he-elp... BONKERS Whaddya want from me, you... you.. roach? AL VERMIN The Fearsome Five are taking over the city! They want to meet with me and my gang tonight! I want police protection! BONKERS Uhh... okay! When and where? PUSH IN on AL VERMIN's FLOOR, Where a DAISY has pushed up through a crack in the wood. FOLLOW the DAISY as it pulls into the floorboards and out into the LAWN behind AL VERMIN's HIDEOUT, where BUSHROOT is listening to it. BUSHROOT Police protection, huh? Oh my. I'd better tell Negaduck! Thanks, my flowery friend! CUT TO INT. NEGADUCK'S HIDEOUT The HIDEOUT is a dark, musty place full of spiders and cobwebs. NEGADUCK Quackerjack! Megavolt! Bushroot just told me that Al Vermin's squealed to the police and wants protection from us. MEGAVOLT NO! NOT THE POLICE! HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN! QUACKER JACK Hee Hee! Looks like Al Vermin's more afraid of us than you thought, eh boss? NEGADUCK The rambunctious roach is playing right into my hands. I love it! MEGAVOLT BUT THE POLICE! NEGADUCK WILL YOU STOP YELLING! I _want_ the police to show up! MEGAVOLT/QUACKERJACK You DO?! NEGADUCK Of course, you simpletons! It's all part of my masterplan! With the Mafia in jail, Flaps on an island, Al Vermin quaking his antennae and a rookie toon cop running the show, I can take it all over in three minutes! QUACKERJACK Hear that, Mr. Bananna Brain? Three minutes! A new world's record! NEGADUCK Would you expect less from me, the master of maniacally malevolent machinations? MEGAVOLT I thought you hated intense alliteration. NEGADUCK Shaddup! Besides, this toon cop has a weakness. NEGADUCK pulls out a film-style BONKERS doll. He used to be an actor. A good one. And he was fired from Wackytoons... just like us. This is his achille's heel. MEGAVOLT I thought his achilles heel was in the foot. NEGADUCK BE QUIET! Now, what are we gonna do to "Chief" Bonkers D. Bobcat? MEGAVOLT We're gonna fry him! MEGAVOLT blasts the doll and blackens it. QUACKER JACK We're gonna CHEW HIM UP! Q.J. lets one of his SNAPPING TEETH chew the singed doll to bits. BUSHROOT and LIQUIDATOR come in from OS. LIQUIDATOR We'll clean his clock! LIQUIDATOR soaks the reamins until they are a soggy mess. BUSHROOT And then he'll be fertilizer! BUSHROOT grows a small plant from inside the doll. NEGADUCK HehehehahahaHAHAHAHAHA! NEGADUCK chops the doll in half. PUSH IN on the DOLL and FADE OUT SLOWLY AS WE END ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN LT. GRATING's OFFICE GRATING is on the phone with BONKERS. GRATING Am I hearing you right, Bobca- err, sir? You want me to assign my men to police protection for AL VERMIN? That roach oughta be behind BARS, not escorted around by Hollywood's finest! And what's this about Wright quitting- BONKERS Look, I don't have time to explain! The Fearsome Five are the ones who took out the mob, and they want to take out Al Vermin too! We have to stop them! GRATING Look, BOBCAT. I watched you run this department into the ground. I've got officers playing Nintendo, no crime files anymore, doughnuts everywhere and all my Squad Cars have steering wheels on the right! I'm not gonna play around anymore! Chief Kanifky may have been a little lightheaded, but he never led us on wild TOON chases? GRATING pauses. FORGET ABOUT LAST WEEK! Ok, so he did- that's not the point. I'm not risking my men to protect that criminal. CUT TO BONKERS BONKERS Fine then, SARGE! Be that way! BONKERS holds up the phone as he hears the dialtone. BONKERS (sotto) I don't think this authority-thing really works good with me. BONKERS gets up and throws off his Chief's uniform, replacing it with his old one. He walks out the door. BONKERS I'm a beat cop, not a Chief! I've got work to do! MIRANDA appears from behind her old desk outside the Chief's office. MIRANDA Ahem. BONKERS (joyful) MIRANDA! I thought you quit! MIRANDA Just waiting for you to come to your senses, partner. Besides... how could I quit? There's no paperwork left, remember? BONKERS Thanks for sticking around, Miranda. We gotta get to Al Vermin! The Fearsome Five are tryin' to take over the city, and he can lead us to them! MIRANDA Where were you supposed to meet Vermin? BONKERS (grins) Where else? CUT TO INT. RUBBER ROOM. There is a new JUICE BAR on the right side of the floor. BONKERS and MIRANDA walk up to it and take seats. MIRANDA Some water, please. BULLFINCH goes under the counter and produces a BOTTLE of water. BONKERS Bullfinch! A Bananna Fizzy, please! BULLFINCH Can't do it, Bonkers. BONKERS Why not? BULLFINCH All the banannas are gone. Mr. Quackerjack told us that if we didn't stop harming Mr. Bananna Brain's relatives, he'd get the Syndicate to shut us down. BONKERS The Syndicate? The LIGHTS in the RUBBER room shut off. BULLFINCH pulls out a candle and lights it on the counter. BULLFINCH The new name for the Fearsome Five. Mr. Megavolt also told us that we had to stop imprisioning the harmelss light bulbs. MIRANDA takes a swig from the BOTTLE of water. She contorts her face. MIRANDA Yech! This bottled water tastes horrible! BULLFINCH Sorry. We have to stock Liquidator brand water. And Mr. Bushroot wants us to add an arboretum to the place. BONKERS This is crazy! The Syndicate's got their hands in everything! AL VERMIN sneaks in from OS AL VERMIN Bobcat? Is this my police protection? You can't be serious. MIRANDA Be glad we're not hauling you off to jail like we should. AL VERMIN Oh, I'm so grateful. I'd be safer there than having to face the Fearsome Five, or whatever they call themselves now. MIRANDA That can be arranged. AL VERMIN Enough joking around. Negaduck wants me to meet him with my gang at the Hollywood Water Works in one hour. BONKERS Then that's what we're gonna do! CUT TO INT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE GRATING No way, Bobcat! No how. This has got to be the stupidest idea you have ever come up with. BONKERS Do it and... I'll make you chief instead of me. GRATING Me? Chief? I guess I can play along with your dumb, err... zany idea for a little while. GRATING punches the INTERCOM. Dennis? Stark? Get in here. We're gonna be playing dress up for Bonkers. Again. CUT TO EXT. HOLLYWOOD WATER WORKS- NIGHT There is a full moon. SGT. GRATING, DENNIS and STARK are dressed up like AL VERMIN's henchmen in ill-fitting costumes. AL VERMIN is nervously leading them into the WATER WORKS building. BONKERS and MIRANDA are following close behind. MIRANDA (whispering) Bonkers? Are you sure we can stop the Syndicate? BONKERS (whispering) I think so. I tried calling Fenton Crackshell, y'know- Gizmoduck? But turns out the Gizmosuit's broken. MIRANDA How come? BONKERS He went to too many kid's parties. They wrecked it. And since he was only a minor character on Darkwing Duck, and DuckTales has been off the air for years, nobody would pay to fix it. I've got Professor Von Drake working on it. MIRANDA Von Drake? Bonkers, he- The darkened water works suddenly LIGHT up! NEGADUCK (VO) Welcome, Alouicious Vermin the Third. Welcome to the Syndicate. Your police protection get here all right? AL VERMIN Somebody in my gang's a squealer! NEGADUCK(VO) Aww, gee... that's too bad. Now see, if you were part of the Syndicate, you wouldn't have that problem. Nobody squeals on the Syndicate. AL VERMIN W-Where are you? I'd like to sign up! NEGADUCK(VO) It's too late for that, Al. See, you and your gang, and Chief Bonkers, wherever he is- you're all just in the way... so I'm rubbin' you out! BEHOLD! A Wall FALLS down! A giant marble about 20 feet high stands before AL and the costumed cops. NEGADUCK is on the marble. GRATING draws his gun. GRATING Alright, Duck! Hold it right there! NEGADUCK That's exactly what I'm doing, officer. Behold the GREAT MASHER! STARK The Great Masher? NEGADUCK Hey! You try thinking of a good name for a 20 foot tall marble! When I jump off this marble, it'll start rolling down the hallway, crushing you all into pate'. GRATING I think we better back off, people. NEGADUCK I don't think so. Bushroot! BUSHROOT Surround them, my pretties! HAHAHAHAAHA! Large VINES snake out from OS and tie up DENNIS, STARK, GRATING and AL VERMIN. BONKERS and MIRANDA are crouched down at the far end of the hallway. PUSH IN on BONKERS BONKERS Oh no! They're gonna MASH the Sarge! We haveta do something, Miranda! MIRANDA I know, but what? BONKERS Of course! I know the Syndicate's weakness... MIRANDA What is it? BONKERS I'll show ya. Be right back. Gotta see a man about a bill. MIRANDA This is no time to take care of Your finances! CUT TO NEGADUCK NEGADUCK Bye-Bye, losers! NEGADUCK jumps off the marble. It does not move. Megavolt! Quacker Jack! Bushroot! Liquidator! Push that marble! Crush those cops and that bug! MEGAVOLT No way. QUACKER JACK Forget it. BUSHROOT We're on Strike. LIQUIDATOR 4 out of 5 Syndicate members say they want a bigger cut of the take! NEGADUCK Oh. I see. Well... 1 out of 1 Negaducks says if the Syndicate members don't push that marble RIGHT NOW, there won't BE 4 out of 5 Syndicate Members! MEGAVOLT Uh.. right! Push the Marble! BUSHROOT Getting to the Marble now, sir! QUACKERJACK Hoo Hoo! I love pushing marbles! LIQUIDATOR Hurry, Hurry! Those Marbles are moving fast! PUSH IN on GRATING's face, which is sweating. Behind him, DENNIS and STARK are subtly cutting the vines that are binding them in place. ZIP PAN to hallway, where BONKERS is in whiteface, wearing a DARKWING DUCK costume and a duck-beak attached to his face via a string. He does a passable imitation of Darkwing. BONKERS I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the shoelace that makes you trip and fall! I am... DARKWING DUCK! All the Syndicate members except for NEGADUCK run and cower in a corner. NEGADUCK and BONKERS walk towards one another. NEGADUCK Forget your gas gun, DARKWING? BONKERS Uhh... they uhh... recycled it. NEGADUCK And I guess your beak was recycled too, huh, BOBCAT? NEGADUCK pulls the fake bill and snaps it back onto BONKERS' face, causing the bobcat to stagger backwards. BONKERS sheds the disguise. BONKERS You evil, dispicable thug! NEGADUCK (soothingly) You misunderstand me. I'm not really an evil, dispicable thug. Just an out of work actor like you... BONKERS' expression softens slightly. ...WHO HAPPENS TO BE AN UNBELIEVEABLY HEINOUS SUPERVILLAN WITH A REALLY BAD TEMPER AND A CHAINSAW TO MATCH- UNLIKE YOU! BONKERS backs away in fear. NEGADUCK SYNDICATE! Waste the toon cop. SGT. GRATING and the others have by this time snuck back to MIRANDA's hiding spot. MIRANDA Sarge, you can't let them get Bonkers! GRATING grumbles. GRATING Yeah, yeah.. but what're we gonna do about it? MIRANDA Well, from what Bullfinch was telling me at the Rubber Room, it seems like each member of the Syndicate has a neurosis of some kind. GRATING I see what you're sayin... Get back to a squad car and drive over to Wackytoons. I'll bet they have character profiles on these goons. Take Dennis and Stark. I'll try to stall 'em. MIRANDA Right, Sarge. But We'll have to walk. Remember, Bonkers replaced all our squadcars with German... things. GRATING (sotto) Don't remind me. I can't believe I'm doing this... actually, I know just what to do... (evil grin) GRATING walks out to the center of the hall, where BONKERS is being held next to the GREAT MASHER. MIRANDA, DENNIS and STARK leave the building. NEGADUCK We're gonna crush you so flat they'll need a pickaxe to seperate you from the concrete! BONKERS Swell. GRATING HOLD IT, DUCK! SGT. GRATING, HOLLYWOOD P.D.! NEGADUCK That's NEGADUCK! And whaddya want? Can't you see I'm trying to kill someone here? GRATING Yeah. Like an amateur. NEGADUCK Whaddya mean, amateur? GRATING When you've been a cop as long as I have, you get to see all the weird ways to get someone. You're just crushin' him. Very blase'. NEGADUCK Oh yeah!? What would YOU suggest, Mr. Cop? GRATING smiles, obviously enjoying this line of thought. GRATING Well, your psychos over there could do something original to him... like, what if that maniac with the plants, I dunno... strangulated him while that guy with the toy teeth used them to uh... pinch him really hard on the limbs? NEGADUCK Yeah... YEAH! And Liquidator could slowly surroound him with deadly liquid, threatening to drown him at any second... and Megavolt would then give the bobcat ELECTROSHOCK therapy! GRATING And then you could boil him in oil! BONKERS Umm, Sarge? Aren't you supposed to be on my side? NEGADUCK SYNDICATE! Do what that guy was saying... and yeah, aren't you supposed to be on his side, SARGE? GRATING I never really liked the toon anyway. GRATING winces as he sees QuackerJack's toys latch on to BONKERS. NEGADUCK Maybe... but I don't trust you, so while the boys there play with Bonkers, I'll be a-fixin' to boil YOU in oil! NEGADUCK GRABS GRATING and starts to rig up a VAT OF BOILING OIL! CUT TO EXT. WACKYTOONS STUDIO MIRANDA These scripts were very helpful. Dennis, Stark, we need to go to the hardware store, the grocery store, the toy store, the army surplus store and... the local PBS Afilliate. DENNIS Why, Miranda? MIRANDA Trust me. We just have to get this stuff together fast! CUT TO INT. HOLLYWOOD WATER WORKS LIQUIDATOR Career got you down? Want a little action, a little heat? Then come on down to Liquidator's Pot O Boiling OIL! GRATING Will you shut up already? Why don't you just go back to acting where you belong?! NEGADUCK 'Cuz Crime pays so much better, SARGE. Ya set yer own hours, ya work when you want to, ahh, the life of a crime kingpin. No worrying about pink pages and yellow pages.... GRATING When I get outta this, you're gonna do 10 to 20... thousand, DUCK! NEGADUCK What makes you think you're gonna stop me? Your toon pal over there is soggy, numb everywhere, and I think I saw his IQ drop ten points! GRATING You... psychotic lunatic! NEGADUCK Flattery will get you nowhere. ZIP PAN TO MIRANDA, DENNIS AND STARK, who have entered with a large crate. MIRANDA It's all over, Negaduck! DENNIS and STARK rush in, fetching BONKERS and bringing him over to their side. NEGADUCK And what are you gonna do, little Miss Sunshine? SYNDICATE! ATTACK! MIRANDA pulls out a light bulb from the CRATE. It GLINTS in the light. MEGAVOLT NO! An oppressed Light bulb! Set it FREE, you... you... evil person! MIRANDA Sure. MIRANDA drops the bulb. It shatters. MEGAVOLT NOOOO! You'll pay for that! DENNIS quickly pulls out a bottle of EVIAN water and takes a swig. DENNIS Gotta love that Evian water. LIQUIDATOR GROWLS and LEAPS for DENNIS just as MIRANDA steps out of the way so that MEGAVOLT'S energy beam SIZZLES LIQUIDATOR, who becomes WATER VAPOR! DENNIS Backwards it spells NAIVE. DENNIS empties the bottle and uses it to capture LIQUIDATOR. BONKERS shakes himself dry and rummages in the box, producing a BULB. BONKERS Ooh. Another Lightbulb. Sixty watt. Shall I break it? MEGAVOLT Why, you! MEGAVOLT fires at BONKERS, who steps aside to reveal a giant- BONKERS Did I forget to mention this 3,000 volt Capacitor? MEGAVOLT NOOO! You'r..e... draaaaiiinnnnninnnngggg mmmmyyyy chhhhaaaaaarrrrgggggggeeee...... MEGAVOLT flops down. STARK cuffs him. BUSHROOT You won't fool me with those childish tricks! My vines will crush you! MIRANDA Here ya go, vines! Have some nice fertilizer! The VINES rush for the fertilizer. BONKERS (Darth Vader Voice) They serve the Dark Side now. (normal) Of course, it's not so dark, really- in fact, it's positively bright. Like this 3,000 watt bulb I charged with Megavolt's power. BONKERS holds up the bulb. BUSHROOT Fool! Plants like sunlight! BONKERS Are you a cactus? BUSHROOT Heheh. No. I'm much too temperate for that. BONKERS Then you should know... a 3,000 watt bulb puts out a lot of heat... BUSHROOT Uh Oh. BUSHROOT starts to wither. BUSHROOT Must... get... water... DENNIS Look! I have a bottle right here! DENNIS opens the bottle with LIQUIDATOR inside. BUSHROOT LEAPS for it, only to be trapped inside as DENNIS closes the bottle. BUSHROOT (muffled) Fool! Plants love water! BONKERS Ever hear of overwatering? BUSHROOT screams as the bottle is set down. QUACKERJACK My mechanical teeth were cops once, you know, that episode where we took over St. Canard. I guess this time they'll really take a bite outta.. you! MIRANDA Y'know, it was the funniest thing- we passed by the toy store, and I just had to pick one of these up... MIRANDA tosses something to BONKERS. BONKERS Oh yeah.., the official Bonkers Music Box imported from Tokyo... used one of these to catch Z-Bot... the only toy listed deadlier than yours. QUACKER JACK Na-uh... my toys are deadlier than yours! BONKERS Oh yeah? BONKERS opens up the MUSIC BOX. MUSIC BOX Tateetotututu. QUACKER JACK Ack... that wasn't..gasp...so... bad. BONKERS opens the box up again. MUSIC BOX Tateetotututu. QUACKER JACK is on his knees. BONKERS opens it again. MUSIC BOX Tateetotututu. QUACKER JACK weakly lifts up MR. BANANNA BRAIN. MR. BANANNA BRAIN Ok! OK! We give up! Stop the hideous sound! BONKERS Book 'em, Den-o! DENNIS cuffs QUACKER JACK and puts him with the others. NEGADUCK You all seem to forget, I'm about to make your pal the SARGE here into Policeman FONDUE! MIRANDA Bonkers... I brought something that just might stop Negaduck. BONKERS It would have to be pretty powerful. MIRANDA shows BONKERS a small videotape. BONKERS Ouch. Lemme cue this up. NEGADUCK Ha!! No MERE videotape can stop me! BONKERS (Sheerluck Bonkers Voice) Oh yes? I deduce that your thoroughly evil mind is incapable of withstanding the intense mental pressure of the caliber contained on this tape in my hand here... GRATING BOBCAT! Will you hurry it up? My shoes are fryin' here! BONKERS But of course. Observe, Negaduck. PUSH IN ON the TV SCREEN. A PURPLE DINOSAUR is SINGING. BARNEY I love you, you love me... we're a happy family... NEGADUCK NO! NOT HIM! ARRAGH! He's PLUSH, and PLUMP, and -ick- CUDDLY! I CAN'T TAKE IT! NO!!!!!! NEGADUCK uses his BAZOOKA to blast a hole in the wall. NEGADUCK I'll be back, Bobcat! Someday, I'm gonna run this town! The Sydnicate, and especially me, NEGADUCK, will prevail! MIRANDA Is that supposed to be a threat? NEGADUCK Consider it... a promise. NEGADUCK dissappears into the night. BONKERS Ooh... a hint of foreshadowed evil. MIRANDA You said it, partner. GRATING Will somebody get me DOWN from here?! BONKERS Oh yeah. Whatever happened to Al Vermin? As DENNIS cuts down GRATING, STARK escorts MEGAVOLT, QUACKERJACK and the BOTTLE outside. CUT TO INT. CHIEF KANIFKY'S OFFICE KANIFKY Well, Bonkers, I restore you to your previous rank and position. I'm sorry I had to cut short my campaign...err, vacation, but the press was just too much! Demanding Qualifications... can you believe it? Anyway, I had to undo most of the changes you did, son... they were just too radical. BONKERS (in '60's hippie outfit) Gotcha, Chief-dude. KANIFKY (conspiratorially) But I did keep those arcade machines. Wonderful things! Much better than the old dartboards we used to use when I was a rookie. MIRANDA Any news on Negaduck? KANIFKY No, I'm afraid. The Mafia won't touch Hollywood with a ten foot pole now, and Al Vermin is officially missing. Something bad may have started here. But on the good side, pizza's back down to 75 cents a slice! KANIFKY presses his intercom button. Sgt. Grating? Please come in. GRATING Yes sir? KANIFKY As you know, you were given command of the 34th Precinct while they finished moving the overcrowded officers from this building, Police Headquarters, to that one. GRATING That was the deal. KANIFKY Well, sergeant, you'll be glad to know the move is complete. There will be 20 new officers at the 34th tommorow morning. And command is being handed over to the new, permanent head of the 34th tommorow at Roll Call. BONKERS and MIRANDA exchange startled glances. GRATING's head lowers. GRATING Who's it going to be? KANIFKY Captain Eric Skewer. A real Hard-nosed veteran cop. 25 years on the force, highly experienced. Don't feel so bad, Sergeant. You and I both knew it was highly unusual for a Sergeant to run a precinct as large as the 34th for so long. Bobcat, Wright, Dennis and Stark will still be in your division, however. So cheer up, man! BONKERS puts his arm around GRATING's. BONKERS At least we'll still be together! GRATING Swell. Excuse me. I have paperwork to retype. BONKERS I thought I banned that. GRATING slowly walks OS, growling rather loudly. IRIS OUT THE END