BONKERS!: The NEW Adventures "Plan Whine from Outer Space" Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY, DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY. (And I stay true to the characters!) DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS NOTICE REMAINS INTACT NOTE: This story starts three weeks after the last, "A Tale of Two Toonies", (in fact, a day before Halloween) and it will mark the next crazy step in a continuity similar to that of Doctor Who: The New Adventures. TEASER EST. EXT MAD HATTER'S HOUSE- NIGHT A large FLYING SAUCER is hovering over the "H" in the HOLLYWOOD sign. A BEAM of LIGHT SHOOTS from the SAUCER into the "H"! CUT TO INT. MAD HATTER's BEDROOM- TIGHT ON THE MAD HATTER The MAD HATTER springs up in bed. His floppy PAJAMA HAT drops over his face. He SWEEPS it aside with his hand. PULL BACK to reveal EERIE BLUE LIGHT streaming in through the windows. MAD HATTER What the? Who's there? What's there? Why is it there? The BLUE LIGHT flys in the window and reforms into a ball in the center of the room almost anime' like. The globe of light then shapes into a silhouette of a Martian (ala "What you Read is what you get") and then solidifies. MAD HATTER Hello, strange Alien Being from another planet? What can I do for you? ALIEN My name is Zek. I am from the planet Zarfinblast. You can help me. MAD HATTER How? More ALIENS appear ala ZEK. CUT TO EXT. MAD HATTER's HOUSE TRACK THE MAD HATTER as he goes FLYING out of his window, BOUNCING off the incredibly long staircase in front of the "H", and landing on the street. He looks up. MAD HATTER Aliens have taken over my house! Aliens have taken over my house! The MAD HATTER runs off into the SUNRISE, yelling that continuously. FADE OUT- GO TO BONKERS CREDITS FADE IN- EST. INT. 34th PRECINCT, 2nd FLOOR MIRANDA, BONKERS, and GRATING are putting up HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS all over their section of the floor. DENNIS and STARK are stringing up "HAPPY HALLOWEEN" banners in the background. SKEWER walks in from his office. SKEWER Have you put up all the decorations yet? I don't have all day to wait. GRATING Well, SIR, maybe you could help us out. SKEWER I'm too busy setting up the Youth Tour of the Station for the Chief. Hopefully that will get me promoted out of this wasteland. BONKERS Gee, Sarge. Where have I heard that before? GRATING Dunno, Bobcat. But I'd be happy to help him GET OUT of here. MIRANDA I've finished all the lanterns. SKEWER Good. Now I've got to go up to the third floor and see if they're done. Those kids will be here tommorow night for the tour. And all of you are going to be their guides. BONKERS But Captain, tommorow's Halloween! I was gonna enter the Rubber Room's costume contest! Drop an Anvil on Jitters! Wholesome fun for all of us, right Miranda? MIRANDA Uhh, yeah, Bonkers. Wholesome. SKEWER I happen to know that that contest is at 8 PM. The tour begins at 5 and ends at 7. You'll have plenty of ti- SKEWER is cut off as THE MAD HATTER bursts into the room, screaming "Aliens have taken over my house!" BONKERS Hatter! Buddy, pal! What's up? MAD HATTER ALIENS! ZARFINBLASTERS! They've TAKEN OVER MY HOUSE! SKEWER walks over to HATTER and puts his arm around his shoulder, leading him out slowly. SKEWER Don't worry. There are some nice people in white suits who'd like to help you. MIRANDA runs up and pulls HATTER away. MIRANDA You can't do that, Captain! Mr. Hatter, who's taken over your house? MAD HATTER ALIENS! From Zarfinblast! GRATING I hate to agree with Skewer, but this guy's nuts! BONKERS Why don't we go check out his house? GRATING I got work here! This place has to be ready for- BONKERS leans over to GRATING. BONKERS (sotto) It'll get you away from Skewer... GRATING nods. GRATING Uhh, it might be some kids playing a practical joke. BONKERS A Halloween thing! SKEWER Fine. Go ahead and search for your "aliens". Just make sure you get back here to finish fixing up this place! CUT TO EXT. MAD HATTER'S HOUSE GRATING looks up at the giant "H". GRATING Bobcat, don't you have any toon pals who're sane? Y'know, not crazy maniacs? BONKERS Sarge, it's obvious! The Aliens are IN the house! Right, Miranda? MIRANDA I guess. Where's the Hatter, anyway? BONKERS He's too afraid of the aliens. He's hiding out somewhere. BONKERS looks up and does a TAKE. BONKERS LOOK! A FLYING SAUCER! NOTE: The SAUCER is part of a set of dishes. GRATING and MIRANDA look up. A SAUCER FLIES out of the HATTER'S WINDOW and CRASHES on the GROUND! GRATING Somebody's up there! Let's go! GRATING, BONKERS and MIRANDA run up the stairs, then walk up the stairs, then slowly trudge up the stairs until they reach the front door. SGT. GRATING busts in the door. Guns are drawn. CUT TO INT. MAD HATTER's HOUSE. The MAD HATTER is throwing DISHES, CUPS and SAUCERS out of the window. MIRANDA This is his hiding place? HATTER You think I would hide in some STRANGE place? There's no place like home! GRATING This is CRAZY! Where are the Aliens? HATTER What Aliens? Don't tell me you believe in aliens! GRATING Let's get outta here! BONKERS Sarge, give him a minute. GRATING stands there, arms crossed. HATTER WAIT! Aren't you going to ask me about the aliens? MIRANDA Are you sure they were Aliens? Couldn't they have been kids in costumes, or toons that look like aliens? HATTER You mean there are toons that look like aliens? BONKERS Oh, sure! Neo Sapiens, Transformers- HATTER Those were robots! Not Aliens! BONKERS They were from another planet! GRATING slaps his head. GRATING Look, we'll uhh... check this out, and- and we'll get back to you- right Officer? MIRANDA Yeah... we'll check back later, OK? Come ON, Bonkers. MIRANDA drags BONKERS out the door, following GRATING. BONKERS But MIRANDA, the ALIENS! MIRANDA Face it, Bonkers, that guy was insane! GRATING Yeah, Bobcat. Why do you think they call him the MAD Hatter? ZIP PAN up to the Hatter's Window. HATTER Oh, By the way! They seem to have stolen all my AMMONIA! ZIP back down to GRATING. GRATING (sotto) Not to mention all of your brains... CUT TO INT. CAPT. SKEWER'S OFFICE. SKEWER, GRATING, MIRANDA and BONKERS are seated around the TABLE in the center of the office. SKEWER I've got a case for you three. It seems someone's been stealing all the ammonia from grocery stores and supermarkets. GRATING Oh, gee. What an earth-shattering event. Shouldn't the guys at Burglary be handling this? SKEWER But you know how much I love to give you three the really unusual cases. And this one takes the cake. The Ammonia, sometimes dozens of bottles at a time, was snatched within seconds, with no witnesses, during store hours. MIRANDA (jokingly) Did they see Flying Saucers overhead, too? SKEWER lowers his sunglasses slightly. SKEWER And just how did you know that, Officer Wright? MIRANDA jerks upright. MIRANDA Well, it was just- The Mad Hatter said those "aliens" stole all the ammonia from his house, too. BONKERS Yeah, that's right... I smell a sinister alien plot here! GRATING puts his hand over his nose. GRATING Yeah, well I'm smelling something else here... what is that? Everyone except SKEWER starts to cover their nose. A DELIVERY BOY walks in. DELIVERY BOY Uhh, Captain Skewer, your Garlic and Onion Pizza's here. SKEWER gets up and uncharacteristically smiles. Everyone else, now nauseated by the VISIBLE fumes coming from the Pizza, gets up quickly. BONKERS bounds to the door and holds it open. GRATING Um, we have to get on this case. Bonkers, Miranda, let's set up a stakeout detail. They DASH from the office as SKEWER sits down and prepares to eat his feast. CUT TO EXT. PATHMARK FOODSTORE- DAY. The SQUAD CAR is parked across the street. BONKERS is on the roof of the car, using BINOCULARS to search the SKY. MIRANDA is looking at the front door of the supermarket. GRATING is standing outside the car glaring at BONKERS. GRATING Bobcat, what are you looking for? BONKERS Flying Saucers. GRATING Bonkers, we're supposed to be staking out the place! Go inside and guard the ammonia! BONKERS Gotcha, Sarge. BONKERS quickchanges into his green shirt, jumps off the car and runs into the store, leaving his binoculars with GRATING. MIRANDA gets out of the car and walks over to GRATING, who has started to absently scan the sky. MIRANDA What're you looking at, Sarge? GRATING I don't believe this... GRATING points into the air. MIRANDA borrows the binoculars. CUT TO INT. PATHMARK SUPERMARKET BONKERS is walking around the ammonia in a soldier-like fashion. With each turn back-and forth, he has a bigger and bigger weapon in his hands. (Gun, Bazooka, 6-Missile Launcher, Catapult...etc.) ZEK is approaching from OS! He tries to get around BONKERS' elaborate toon traps. He sneaks backwards, trying to get a ruuning start to jump over the traps. He RUNS and JUMPS when BONKERS' back is turned! BONKERS snaps around! MIRANDA and GRATING rush in, guns drawn! BONKERS I GOT HIM! I GOT THE ALIEN! ZEK falls sideways, traps anging from every limb, and dented in several places. GRATING He just looks like a toon to me. MIRANDA touches ZEK. MIRANDA Nope. He feels like a reptile. BONKERS OOH! Snakes from outer SPACE! Here to steal our Ammonia! YEAH! GRATING So what's this alien got to say for himself? ZEK (weakly) I am Zek, slightly higher than low-czar of the Zarfinblast high command. Take me to your leader. GRATING This guy's a loony! I'm in charge here, and I say the only place you're going is the shrink! ZEK Then we will _take_ your leader. ZEK presses a button on his watch. A BLUE LIGHT shoots through the roof and ZAPS GRATING! GRATING VANISHES! Before BONKERS and MIRANDA can react, the AMMONIA vanishes too! FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN EST. INT. CAPT. SKEWER'S OFFICE MIRANDA and BONKERS are reporting to SKEWER. SKEWER Lemme get this straight... You say Frank Grating was abducted by ammonia-stealing aliens from Mars? BONKERS raises a cautionary finger. BONKERS Zarfinblast, sir. MIRANDA looks up hopelessly. SKEWER I stand corrected, Officer. I have just two words for the both of you. BONKERS What? Promotion and Raise? SKEWER Actually, Section and Eight. BONKERS Eight-Section? I don't get it. Is that anything like an Eight Ball? I got a magic one of those you know! Answers any yes or no question! MIRANDA I've got one word for you, sir. Videotape. BONKERS I hate to tell you this, Miranda- That's two words. SKEWER What about videotape? MIRANDA Well, it WAS a stakeout, sir. It's all on this tape. MIRANDA pops it into the VCRTV in the bookcase on the right wall. A "HE'S BONKERS" show comes on. MIRANDA BONKERS! Did you tape over my video? BONKERS Oops. SKEWER Well, this has been highly entertaining, people- but I have to get this station ready to be invaded by schoolki-- oh boy. Get me out of this madhouse! MIRANDA and BONKERS look at SKEWER, who is gaping at the TV. ZEK is on the TV. ZEK Attention, carbon and ink based lifeforms. We have your leader, the warrior Francis Grating. We come for your ammonia. If you want your leader back, surrender your planetary supply. CUT TO BONKERS, who picks up SKEWER'S PHONE. BONKERS Hello? Operator? Gimme the number for a Zarfinblast alien mother ship hovering over Hollywood. MIRANDA Bonkers, that's not gonna- BONKERS -6733. Thanks! BONKERS redials on the phone. SPLIT SCREEN to the TV, where ZEK picks up an alien phone-thing. ZEK This is Zek. Who's calling? BONKERS Bonkers D. Bobcat! Hollywood PD! We want the SARGE back! Wh-what? SKEWER snatxhes the phone away from BONKERS and begins to speak. SKEWER This is Captain Eric Skewer of the LAPD's 34th Precinct. I demand the immediate return of Sergeant Francis Q. Grating. ZEK We will not return the annoying carbon-unit until you provide us with your planetary supply of ammonia. SKEWER We don't negotiate with terrorists. BONKERS leans over and whispers to SKEWER. BONKERS They're not terrorists, Captain! They're ALIENS! SKEWER covers the mouthpiece. SKEWER Officer Wright, get me Chief Kanifky. I'll let him make the call. MIRANDA Umm, isn't this your decision, sir? SKEWER Officer, when you get as high up as I have, you learn one crucial lesson-- There comes a time, when in the interests of saving your own career, you pass the buck. MIRANDA (droll) Very inspiring, sir. MIRANDA exits OS. SKEWER turns to BONKERS. SKEWER (sotto) Meantime, Officer, I'll let you make all the mistakes you want while I exit the room on "official business". (normal) You talk to the alien for me, Okay? SKEWER hands BONKERS the phone and leaves OS. BONKERS Zek? I'm warning you! I've watched EVERY episode of "Star Trek"! Your resistance is futile... and... stuff. But, anyway...HAND OVER DA SARGE! ZEK We want your ammonia! BONKERS Why? What's the big deal about ammonia? ZEK It smells bad. BONKERS So do Captain Skewer's meals... so what? ZEK We need foul-smelling gases to defeat the Evil Ones that bring plauge and famine to our world! BONKERS Oh. Ok. Well, if I tell you where to get tons of ammonia, will you let the Sarge go? ZEK Maybe. BONKERS Great! Only problem is, I don't know where to get any. Isn't there any other way we could work this out? ZEK Hmm... mortal combat to the death. CUT TO MIRANDA and CHIEF KANIFKY walking in the door. MIRANDA Bonkers, where's Captain Skewer? BONKERS Dunno. He walked out and gave me the phone. KANIFKY How's it going, son? BONKERS I can engage in mortal combat with the evil alien abductors to get the Sarge back. KANIFKY Wonderful! Carry on. KANIFKY walks out OS. MIRANDA gapes at this before turning to BONKERS. MIRANDA Bonkers, are you nuts?! BONKERS Nope. Just... umm... Bonkers. (to ZEK) You've got a deal! My old house, 3:00! BONKERS hangs up the phone. MIRANDA Bonkers, those aliens'll make mincemeat outta- BONKERS picks up the phone. BONKERS Hello? Oh, you want directions? Sure! Just look for a trailer on top of a cliff- CUT TO EXT. BONKERS' OLD HOUSE- DUSK The mansion facade' has a banner on it reading, "The Bonkers D. Bobcat Museum and Film Library" The SQUAD CAR pulls up in front. PUSH IN on MIRANDA and BONKERS as they get out. MIRANDA I remember how you were trying to charge admission to this place a year ago. Just after you moved to Dementia Gardens. Did it work? BONKERS Umm... not really. Nowadays I just buy up all the old He's Bonkers merchandise and keep it here. Kinda like the "Hello Bonkers" Boutique in Tokyo, remember? MIRANDA looks up and shields her eyes. MIRANDA Yeah, but that didn't have a 40-foot wide flying saucer hovering over it. PULL BACK and WIDE ANGLE to show the GIANT FLYING SAUCER hovering overhead. It should overshadow everything underneath. BONKERS Yeah. Just a 40-foot me standing on it. I wonder if that was for sale? A BLUE BEAM SHOOTS OUT from the FLYING SAUCER and TRANSPORTS BONKERS and MIRANDA! The SAUCER then LANDS on top of BONKERS' old TRAILER, crushing it and the mansion facade' in front of it. CUT TO INT. FLYING SAUCER (looks like an ST:TNG reject set) BONKERS Hey! You crushed my old house and all my "He's Bonkers" stuff! ZEK Be glad we beamed you up before we decided to land. MIRANDA Where's Sergeant Grating?! ZEK First... there's a small matter of (darkly) MORTAL COMBAT. A ton of ALIENS materialize, with zapper rays all aimed at BONKERS! FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN BONKERS is confidently striding towards the ALIENS. He raises his hand and walks over to ZEK, putting his arm around the alien's shoulder and leading him off while the other generic ALIENS look on confused. BONKERS Zekky, Zekky... come ON... ANYBODY can do MORTAL COMBAT... Nintendo's beat it into the ground already... but it take real class to win a RUBE GOLDBERG competition! TRACK them as they turn a corner, MIRANDA and the generic ALIENS following. GRATING is hanging upside down from the roof, squirming to keep his TIE out of his mouth when he speaks. ZEK Foolish Ink-based unit. We are highly advanced alien lifeforms. We have remote controls for each button on the remote that controls our remote control controllers. A Rube Goldberg device would be nothing to us. ZEK pauses. ZEK What is a Rube Goldberg Device? BONKERS Well, say I wanted, to uhh... free the Sarge over there. Any Joe Schmoe could just walk up and CUT the rope that's holdin' him up.... The ALIENS run single file to surround GRATING, blasters raised! BONKERS But a toon... just has to do THIS! BONKERS spins around, and throws a BASEBALL at a control panel. The BALL bounces up and RUNS along the side of the ceiling, doing a full circuit before it smacks into a REPLICATOR. REPLICATOR Replicator activated. Creating Bowling Ball. The BOWLING BALL THUDS to the floor, busting free a PANEL which ROTATES as it flys into the air, ramming itself into the ceiling just in time for the SUNLIGHT coming in the window to BOUNCE off it, going through a MAGNIFYING device and sharpening to a laser point which CUTS the ROPE that holds GRATING, who SLAMS to the ground, knocking over an ALIEN who knocks over the others Domino style, their blasters flying into the air. GRATING, MIRANDA and BONKERS each catch one, and the others hit ZEK before breaking apart. BONKERS ZAPS his tooth with the BLASTER, and smiles largely. The light glints off of his tooth with a PING. BONKERS See? Easy. ZEK Ah! Such power! Truly you are the one to rid us of the Evil Ones! GRATING Uhh, we're a little busy here, escaping and all... maybe later? ZEK Oh no! The Ink-Based unit has defeated me, ZEK- the slightly lower than high czar of the Zarfinblast high command! He HAS to take my place! GRATING starts to move towards OS, tapping MIRANDA to come with him. GRATING Fine... have fun with the aliens, Bonkers! MIRANDA Wait a minute, Sarge! You can't leave Bonkers with the Aliens! GRATING grins demonically. GRATING Why not? MIRANDA Because if he goes, Skewer's gonna wonder what happened. You know how much he LOVES giving YOU paperwork. GRATING winces. MIRANDA Besides, you know you can't leave him. GRATING Fine, fine. We save Bonkers. PAN TO ZEK, who is punching controls. ZEK Too late, Carbon-Based Units! We are taking off! CUT TO EXT. FLYING SAUCER, which is lifting off, leaving the WRECKAGE of BONKERS' OLD HOUSE on the ground. CUT TO GRATING, who is pointing his gun at ZEK. GRATING Awright, Greenie! Pull this thing over right now! CUT TO EXT. SAUCER, which now WARPS into SPACE SIDEWAYS! CUT TO MIRANDA MIRANDA Apparently that means different things to different people, Sarge. ZEK Yes! Your Sarge-unit has found us a more energy-efficent method for navigating our craft! CUT TO CHEESY STAR TREK:TOS OPENING CREDITS PARODY (Enterprise-saucer zooming past different planets) AS WE FADE IN TO: The SAUCER LANDING on ZARFINBLAST! It CRASHES into the surface of the planet! PUSH IN ON The FRONT DOOR of the saucer as it falls off rather suddenly, and BONKERS, MIRANDA and GRATING stagger out, followed by ZEK. ZEK (to the air) So how was that? VOICE (over an intercom) No, no, NO! It's all wrong! Who are these guys you got? MIRANDA does a surprised take. PULL BACK to reveal the SAUCER and the PLANET SURFACE on an old fashioned SOUNDSTAGE. MIRANDA Did you hear that voice? It's incredible! GRATING What? It's called a speaker. MIRANDA No, it's WHO was talking! That sounded like... like... BONKERS Like Darkwing Duck? MIRANDA Yeah- NO! It sounded like Bela Lugosi! GRATING Impossible! Lugosi's dead! Has been for years! BONKERS Who's Bela Lugosi? GRATING You- of all people, don't know who Bela Lugosi is? MIRANDA He was an actor! One of the strangest actors in Hollywood. GRATING The only actor in the business more whacked out than you, Bobcat. BONKERS Gee... thanks... I think. MIRANDA I love all those old corny movies of his... but yeah, he's supposed to be dead... of course, he did go insane and spend the last half of his life thinking he was a vampire... BONKERS is scared. BONKERS Gulp... a vampire? GRATING What's going on here!? One minute we're in an alien ship heading for Gargleblast or whatever, and now we're in a soundstage with a psycho actor who's been dead for decades!? VOICE Ack! Boris! Harry! Aaron! Let's get outta here! The gig is up! MIRANDA and GRATING run over to the edge of the Soundstage, where four elderly gentlemen are trying their best to make an escape. GRATING easily catches them and seats them in a row. MIRANDA is in a state of Disbelief as she walks by them. MIRANDA Bela Lugosi... BELA Goot eveninck. MIRANDA Boris Karloff?! BORIS I'm not evil- just misunderstood. MIRANDA Harry Houdini? HARRY Gotta love stand-ins. MIRANDA And... Elvis Aaron Presley. ELVIS Nu-huh, big Mama. Say... you got any fried chicken? I'm-a starrrvin' here! SGT. GRATING is just getting more annoyed by the second. GRATING You're all supposed to be dead! This is crazy! What's with the toons and the ammonia? BORIS KARLOFF looks at ELVIS. BORIS Tell him, Aaron. ELVIS We uh, faked our deaths, so that we could make our big comebacks later in life as living legends... uh huh.. BELA Ve efen acted strangh to beeld pooblicitea. But we are all quite normal, really. HARRY It's just that after our faked demises, we became more popular than ever! We couldn't return to public life! ELVIS Uh-huh. They kept thinkin' I was an impersonator. Couldn't even win a contest against people pretending to be me. (Sympathetic murmurs from the others) ELVIS I...I spent years hiding out with three crazy toons in a tower, 'till they uh.. blew my cover on national TV. BORIS We decided to form a movie company. Our first movie would have been about aliens stealing Earth's ammonia... but we needed to have frightened cops involved. So we did the robberies to get some police who might want to join in. We were filming it all for use in the picture. Plus it was a good Publicity Stunt. GRATING Well, you can just forget it! Game's over, people! What you did was illegal! What you did was against the law! BONKERS Sarge, you're being redundant. GRATING And you're being useless! Handcuff these guys! BONKERS But Sarge, these guys are living legends... err... legends, anyway! GRATING I don't care if they're spacemen from Venus! 'Cuff em and let's get outta here! Forget it! I'll 'cuff em! GRATING snatches BONKERS' cuffs and proceeds to handcuff the men. MIRANDA Wait! What about the aliens, and the transporter beams? I've never seen toons do that kinda stuff before! And those guys didn't feel like toons! BONKERS Speaking of which, They're GETTING AWAY! WIDE ANGLE- Show the SAUCER lift through the roof and ZIP into warpspeed sideways. ELVIS Uhh, missy, them aliens was real... uh huh. MIRANDA WHAT?! ELVIS The King don't lie. GRATING I don't buy it! They must be outside. Bobcat! Look after these guys. Wright, you're with me! CUT TO EXT. STUDIO- NIGHT. MIRANDA, GRATING and BONKERS are outside. There is no trace of the saucer. GRATING turns and sees BONKERS. GRATING I TOLD YOU to stay in and look after those GUYS! BONKERS (confidently) What's the big deal? They were handcuffed. MIRANDA Bonkers, one of those men was HOUDINI. They RUSH back in, but it's too late. All the men are gone. THE NEXT DAY- (HALLOWEEN) CUT TO CAPT. SKEWER'S OFFICE, which is now decked out for Halloween. MIRANDA is handing in the report on the incident to SKEWER. SKEWER Fine. Report's in order. Go to the Rubber Room with the others. Happy Halloween. MIRANDA is confused. She was expecting a very different response. MIRANDA Sir? SKEWER You heard me. Get going! MIRANDA But we couldn't find any trace of the soundstage- or the saucer! Only Bonkers' wrecked house and the missing ammonia points to their existence! Don't you want more info? SKEWER Officer, I'm never at a loss for information. (SKEWER thumbs his nose.) Now go have a pleasant night. CUT TO INT. RUBBER ROOM. The PARTY is in full swing. MIRANDA walks in still in uniform. GRATING is dressed as the DEVIL, and BONKERS is dressed as a MAGIC 8-BALL. (His ears stick out of the top of the ball- that's all that you can see of him) CLARABELLE COW walks up to MIRANDA. CLARABELLE Nice costume. Police Officer, Right? MIRANDA smiles. MIRANDA No- I am a cop. Officer Wright. CLARABELLE An officer. Right. What do you do for real? MIRANDA is getting flustered. MIRANDA I'm a cop! CLARABELLE Of course. Well, the costume looks really realistic- you've obviously put a lot of work into it. I think I've found this year's winner! MIRANDA is shoved up on stage, and a person in a HOUND DOG costume hands her the prize. HOUND DOG Here's yuh prize, missy. MIRANDA does a TAKE. The voice is familiar. MIRANDA (excited) ELVIS?! Everyone looks at the stage curiously. HOUND DOG (loudly) Nahuh.. I ain't nuthin but a Hound Dawg. (weakly) But I..I... do impersonations of the King! (badly, off key) Don't step on my blu-ue suede shooooes! Everyone groans and loses interest. MIRANDA (sotto) Sorry. My mistake. HOUND DOG Like I said, I ain't nuthin but a hound dawg. Enjoy your prize. The HOUND DOG begins to walk OS, but he leans back and whispers in MIRANDA'S ear: HOUND DOG The King don't Lie. IRIS OUT on MIRANDA's SUPRISED TAKE. THE END.