This is the first of the Bonkers stories I wrote in script form which I promised to share so very long ago. The format of the script and possibly the camerawork may be a long way off due to various factors such as fatigue and my ignorance, but I've been told the story's worth the read. Feel free to critique' and comment to me via e-mail at xadium@nostromo.gate.net. Here goes: BONKERS!: THE NEW ADVENTURES "THE COLOR OF FUNNY" CHARACTERS (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS/WARNER STUDIOS -USED WITHOUT PERMISSION STORY BY SUSHIL RUDRANATH FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY - NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY FOR NONCOMMERCIAL USE ONLY DON'T SUE ME I'M A NICE GUY (AND I STAY TRUE TO THE CHARACTERS!) DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS NOTICE REMAINS INTACT I LIKE DISCLAIMERS! NOTE: THIS STORY TAKES PLACE ONE WEEK AFTER THE FINAL BONKERS STORY IN THE TV CONTINUITY, "THE STORK EXCHANGE", AND IT WILL MARK THE BEGINNING OF A CONTINUITY SIMILAR TO THAT OF DOCTOR WHO: THE NEW ADVENTURES. ACT ONE EXT. HOLLYWOOD- Night FADE IN EST. LONG SHOT of the city- ZOOM IN on HOLLYWOOD OUTDOOR AMPITHEATRE where a POLICE BENEFIT CONCERT is being setup ON STAGE. CUT TO: CLUSTER OF SEATS slowly filling up with HUMANS- CONTINUOUS BONKERS and MIRANDA (both in formal attire) are WALKING towards their seats which are in an open-air configuration. BONKERS You're gonna love this concert, Miranda! Chief Kanifky asked ME to organize it. Neat, huh? MIRANDA- Smiles. MIRANDA Bonkers, what do you know about arranging concerts? BONKERS What's to know? Ya just hire an orchestra, get a hall, buy lotsa anvils and then sell the tickets for three times their actual value. MIRANDA- is perplexed. MIRANDA Anvils? What would you need anvils for at a musical concert? BONKERS (shocked) What would a concert be WITHOUT anvils? (sotto) Really, Miranda. You need to get some cultural exposure. WIDER- MIRANDA and BONKERS are now STANDING in front of a block of SEATS which are roped off, with a sign reading "Humans and TAP". The block of seats is almost full, interspersed within audience are CHIEF KANIFKY, THE MAYOR, JITTERS and an irritated SGT. GRATING, all in FORMAL DRESS. MIRANDA (confused) What does TAP mean? BONKERS "Toons allergic to Pain". They like to sit with the humans in concerts. OTS (VO)- PAN TO: LUDWIG VON DRAKE (on stage) Vell, hello dere! Heheh, velcome to da third annual Hollywood PD Benefit Concert, organized dis year by Bonkers D. Bobcat! DEAD SILENCE. A cricket chirps. (nervously) Vell den, let's get on vit it. Could you all please take your seats? OTS- CHORUS from Toon section - WHERE SHOULD WE TAKE THEM? PAN to MIRANDA and BONKERS, taking seats next to CHIEF KANIFKY, who turns to face BONKERS. KANIFKY Well, Bonkers, I'd like to thank you for setting up this fishing festival! Wonderful job, man! Wonderful job! MIRANDA Uhh, sir... this is a concert. KANIFKY Did I miss the festival? DRAT! So what am I doing here? BONKERS Giving the opening speech? (points OTS to stage, hands Kanifky a paper) TRACK KANIFKY as he bumbles through the aisles, bumping into various toons and humans as he goes ON STAGE. CUT TO GRATING as KANIFKY delivers meaningless babble OTS, ending in slight applause from MIRANDA & BONKERS- who whistles loudly, yelling "YEAH, CHIEF!" GRATING (sotto) Great. Just great. Stuck in a tiny chair, eating horrible food, surrounded by a hundred toons in a concert run by Bonkers. Somebody just shoot me. BONKERS (to MIRANDA) Just look at the Sarge! He just loves it here! MIRANDA Ssh. The concert's starting. DARKNESS. CUT to STAGE, which is dimly lit. The orchestra rises out of the pit, and is illuminated to reveal THE BULLY BOYS in formal attire, with standard RUBBER ROOM musical equiptment. MIRANDA-OTS (VO) (shocked) You got the BULLY BOYS to be the orchestra?! BONKERS-OTS (VO) (grinning) Wait 'till you see who the conductor is! BULLFINCH And now... our very special guest conductors, from Disney AND Warner Bros. Studios... Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny! BONKERS-OTS Am I good, or what? They said it couldn't be done! CUT TO: MIRANDA (Concerned) Do you realize the security risks of having the two most famous toons in the world at the same place at the same time? BONKERS Lighten UP, Miranda! This is a POLICE benefit, remember? Who would be dumb enough to try an' pull anything here? CUT TO STAGE: MICKEY and BUGS arrive onstage seperately, on opposite sides. A HUSH falls over the crowd as they face one another and bow. BUGS (to MICKEY, excessively formal) Are the anvils ready? MICKEY (also excessively formal) The anvils are ready. VO- ANNOUNCER: And now, Mickey and Bugs will perform the classic 1812 Overture in P Major. MIRANDA (whispering- VO) P Major? BONKERS- VO P for Pain. Just watch. The BULLY BOYS tune up their drum set, which sounds suspiciously like a full blown orchestra. BUGS and MICKEY flourish, turning away from one another and then swinging back to face the BULLY BOYS. Conducting style is classic Warner Bros, which much contortion on the part of BUGS and a FANTASIA like movement on the part of MICKEY. PULL BACK to show full AUDIENCE, divided into TOONS only on the left, mostly HUMANS and a few TOONS on the right. BONKERS is pointing at the TOON area and nudging MIRANDA. With each CYMBAL CLASH, an ANVIL FALLS! into the TOON area Warner Style. PUSH IN to MIRANDA and BONKERS in the HUMAN Area. MIRANDA Now I understand the P Major bit. But, isn't it dangerous to have anvils dropping around humans? BONKERS Naww. Nobody's gonna drop anvils in the HUMAN section. That'd be goofy. ZIP to area above AUDIENCE. Show GOOFY dropping anvils as WILEY COYOTE pushes them over to him. ZIP back to MIRANDA and BONKERS, as SGT. GRATING pushes over to them, stepping on many feet along the way. His dress shirt has MUSTARD all over it. GRATING (Angrily- to Bonkers) You stupid toon! The MAYOR's here! The CHIEF of POLICE is here! Do you know what would happen if either of them got hit with one of those anvils?! BONKERS (cheerfully) Well, if the MAYOR got hit, Chief Kanifky would make good on his plans to run fer office, you'd get promoted, and I'd be your assistant. If Chief Kanifky got hit, you'd get pro- PULL AWAY just enough to show GRATING SQUEEZING BONKERS' THROAT WITH ONE HAND! MIRANDA manages to push between the two, and BONKERS OUT OF SHOT. CLOSER ON GRATING AND MIRANDA MIRANDA With all due respect, sir-- no one's gonna get hit in this section. OTS- MFX gets louder, and we ZIP to the TOON section, where anvils are falling on anvils. The music is running through the final movement when an ANVIL CRASHES in the HUMAN SECTION! SFX- PULL BACK to show a large DUSTCLOUD, as the music screeches to a halt. As the DUST settles, GRATING glares at MIRANDA and picks up BONKERS, growling. GRATING So, BOBCAT! An anvil wouldn't fall here, huh? I oughta- MIRANDA (hastily) Sir, I think someone's been crushed! (points to a HAND sticking out from under the anvil (note: the hand has FOUR fingers, but this is not noticed amidst the chaos)) GRATING Bobcat, I'm going to have your head for- OTS (VO) "Hey, where are Mickey Mouse and Bugs Bunny?" ZIP PAN to AMPITHEATRE, where two pieces of paper occupy the former positions of MICKEY and BUGS. Officers DENNIS and STARK, as well as several GENERIC officers rush up to the stage, almost abandoning the anvil crash site. All eyes are on the STAGE. BONKERS (turning back to seats) Hey. Whaddya know. The Chief and the Mayor are gone. (does a TAKE- AWOOGAH) THE CHIEF AND THE MAYOR ARE GONE! MIRANDA- leans down and picks up some papers. MIRANDA These are ransom notes. RUNNING IN FROM OTS- STARK So are these. (Hands over papers from stage) GRATING Lemme see those. (snatches them away) Same handwriting. "I want $2,000,000,000 in unmarked bills in 48 hours or two days, whichever comes first- or the Chief, the Mayor, Bugs, Mickey and Numero Uno gets it." STARK gets a walkie talkie message and moves OTS. MIRANDA Who's Numero Uno? GRATING Got me, Officer. ( TIGHT ON FACE-looks down, growls) GET OFFA ME! BONKERS Sorry, Sarge- but that ransom note seems awful familiar-like. MIRANDA You're right Bonkers, it does.... ZIP to anvil impact site, where a crane has removed the giant anvil, revealing a FLATTENED JITTERS. JITTERS I hate concerts. OFFICERS DENNIS and STARK arrive, with GOOFY in handcuffs. BONKERS What're you guys doing!? This is GOOFY, star of stage, screen, and the occassional sporting goods commercial. He's an idol to MILLIONS! DENNIS Sorry, Bonkers- but fingerprinting does show he was the toon who dropped the anvil that fell in the human section. We figure he was an accomplice. MIRANDA Wait... Goofy wears gloves! STARK Doesn't matter. We found these on the anvil. (presents a card. Two prints leap off and 'hyuk' in classic Goofy fashion.) We have to take him in. GRATING Allright. Let's get this thing under control here. Dennis, Stark- I'm in charge of this investigation, so- OTS- (VO) I'm afraid not, Sergeant. This is a Federal matter now. The President's involved. BONKERS- left ear perks up and points OS. BONKERS Lucky? (He turns and does a TAKE) LUCKY! TRACK Bonkers as he runs OTS and slams into LUCKY PIQUEL, in standard FBI regalia, as fat as ever. LUCKY (TIGHT ON FACE) Hi, Bonkers. I'm glad to see you too. Get off my foot. Stop- YOU'RE RIPPING THE FABRIC! (PULL BACK to see Bonkers clinging to Lucky's leg) Last week the President was kidnapped. We've tracked the kidnapper to Hollywood, and reports had him sighted here tonight. We're trying to keep it low-profile as most of the American Public still thinks the President's on a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. BONKERS Gotta love those grapes! Sososo... are we gonna do really neat cool FBI-like things to solve this case, huh Boss? Are we gonna have some fun? LUCKY (sotto, to himself) Hehehfun... he thinks we're gonna have fun... oh brother. (normal, to Bonkers) Heh- umm, sorry, pal, but I already have a PARTNER, remember? And so do you. BONKERS Who's your partner? That Tolson guy you saved, sucked up to and got a job and a promotion from? LUCKY (sotto) I wish. (Steps aside, revealing-) FALLAPART RABBIT (in FBI gear) Hey ho, Bonkers! BONKERS (In awe) Hey, Fallapart! You're in the FBI? FALLAPART No, no. Hahaha- Just the Federal Bureau of Investigation. MIRANDA (to LUCKY, sotto) How'd he get in the FBI? LUCKY (sotto, depressed) He followed me into FBI Headquarters and wouldn't leave. The director thought an agent who could be dissasembled for easy transport was a good idea, so Fallapart became the first toon in the FBI. As you can see, he's living up to his title. FALLAPART- smiles stupidly and falls apart. GRATING Can we get back to reality here? If Agent Pickle- LUCKY Piquel! PiQUEL! I keep having to tell you that, _Francis_! MIRANDA (Smiling) You two have a history? GRATING (Very annoyed) I don't wanna talk about it! Can we please get back to some police work here? EST. HOLLYWOOD- DAY CUT TO INT. HOLLYWOOD P.D. HQ, SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE, where a small PRESS CONFERENCE is taking place. TOM DRIBBLE Sgt. Grating, is it true the FBI has taken over the investigation? Is it true that one of your officers, Bonkers D. Bobcat, was the one who set up the concert? Could he be implicated in this crime? GRATING (sotto) I wish. (Full voice) Officer Bobcat was with the rest of our officers at the time of the accident, and he is involved in our end of the investigation. Agents PICKLE and Rabbit are offering us assistance in this matter. LUCKY (stepping in and enjoying it) What FRANCIS here means to say is that the FBI's top priority is to find and recover the President, referred to as 'Numero Uno' in the ransom notes. The search for the others will be carried on by Hollywood P.D. FEMALE REPORTER Isn't it true, Agent Piquel, that 5 years ago, you and Sgt. Grating were on the same be- LUCKY (hastily) That has nothing to do with the case at hand, ma'am. TOM DRIBBLE Sgt. Grating, rumor has it that a suspect has already been arrested in connection with the kidnappings? FALLAPART walks in from OTS, eating Chili Peppers from a red tin, stepping in front of GRATING. BONKERS does a TAKE and runs up in front of GRATING as well, hysterical. REPORTERS all lean in closer, but there is no need as Bonkers is YELLING! BONKERS FALLAPART! Where'd you get that can of chili peppers? FALLAPART Outside. It came addressed to an 'Agent Piquel', so I thought I'd give it to Lucky so he could find this guy. (eats a chili) Mmm-Mmmm Dee-licious, ya! BONKERS snatches the can and puts it up to his ear. A TICKING noise can be heard. BONKERS (weakly) It's a bomb. REPORTERS back away, but GRATING yanks away the can and listens to it. GRATING It's not a BOMB, you jerk! You must've heard your watch ticking! BONKERS looks at his wrist, sees the ticking watch, and grins sheepishly, then does a TAKE. BONKERS MY WATCH IS A BOMB! MIRANDA appears from OS and drags Bonkers OUT OF SHOT as GRATING growls. LUCKY (sotto) Some things never change. ON DOOR- A man who has apparently been standing there steps forward. He is bald, and wears sunglasses. He is also popping a breathmint in his mouth. He also has reddish stubble. JACKSON I'm Mark Jackson, from S.A.P.S.- Spelunkers Against Police Stupidity, and I'd like to note that this is just the sort of foolish behavior that has prompted us to begin a citizen's investigation into this affair. JACKSON walks in front of clearly annoyed GRATING. As of today, we are demanding a part in the ongoing police investigation, so that we can assure the public that appropriate measures are being taken to find the missing people and toons. GRATING Hold it! Wait a second here! There ain't no way I'm gonna let a bunch of _Spelunkers_ get in the way of a POLICE investigation! LUCKY (sotto, to Grating) Calm down, FRANCIS. That's no way to act in front of the press! Let me show you how the _FBI_ handles these types. LUCKY walks over to JACKSON, and slowly ushers him to the hallway door. Hey Mr. SAP or whatever your name is, the FBI would be happy to have you on our team. (pushes him out door) Wait here, and someone will be with you in a few short minutes. (Closes door and locks it.) (sotto) Heheh... spelunkers. Only in Hollywood. CUT TO FAR END OF HALLWAY, JACKSON is in the background, while MIRANDA is seen lecturing to BONKERS. She walks towards camera and OS, obviously done, and BONKERS walks towards JACKSON, who has popped in another breathmint. BONKERS Hey, mister. Whatchya doin'? JACKSON Waiting for some help. BONKERS (proudly) Well look no further! Officer BONKERS D. BOBCAT, ready and able! Willing to Serve, and all that! I'll help you! (to camera ala groucho) Although some people say *I* need the help. (normal, whimsical) But they don't know what they're talking about. (stares at JACKSON) Say, don't I know you? JACKSON Ever been to Alaska? BONKERS No. JACKSON Neither have I. BONKERS Well, that explains it, then! Now, what can I do for ya? CUT TO: EXT. Steps in front of POLICE HEADQUARTERS- BONKERS is carrying a large box of SPRINGS, CLOCKS and WIRES to a CAR parked in front of the building. JACKSON follows, smiling. JACKSON Just put them in the trunk. BONKERS Whaddya need all this stuff for? (dumps BOX in trunk of car) JACKSON Just some stuff for... a hobby of mine. (shoves Bonkers slowly to front of car) Come on, we have to investigate the scene of the crime! PULL BACK to reveal CAR moving OS. CUT TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM GRATING and GOOFY- Sgt. Grating is trying to interrogate GOOFY. LUCKY, FALLAPART and MIRANDA stand in the background, watching. GRATING Who was yer accomplice? SPILL IT, TOON! GOOFY Gawrsh. I had an accomplice? GRATING So you acted alone? GOOFY (confused) I guess so. GRATING- Smiles. He sees success coming closer. GRATING Tell me where the hostages are, and I'll go easy on ya. GOOFY What hostages? GRATING (slaps his head) Let's start over. Look. Ya dropped the anvil on that Jitters guy, and distracted us long enough for Mickey and Bugs to get kidnapped. Then the Chief and the others get taken. Why'd you do it? GOOFY (amused) Well, shucks! I was paid to drop thu anvils! GRATING (rubs hands in anticipation) Who? Who paid you to drop thu- Grr.. THE anvils? GOOFY (Tight on him) Bonkers- HehehuhuHyuk! ZOOM IN on LUCKY and MIRANDA (both) BONKERS?! MIRANDA Wait a second. Of course Bonkers paid him. Bonkers arranged the concert! GRATING (VO) Stupid TOONS! PAN from LUCKY and MIRANDA to GRATING and GOOFY. Stop PAN and PUSH IN on GOOFY. GRATING (VO) Well, Goofy- maybe a few days in JAIL'll convince you to talk! DENNIS and STARK walk in from OS with cuffs. GOOFY (worried) Gawrsh. AS DENNIS and STARK carry GOOFY OTS, GRATING EXITS in the opposite direction smiling as he brushes past LUCKY and MIRANDA. LUCKY shoots him a look, and GRATING smirks as he dissapears OS. MIRANDA What happened between you and Grating? LUCKY (hurriedly) Nothing important. Have you seen Bonkers? MIRANDA Actually, no. I told him to stay out of Grating's way. LUCKY (mock gravity) Well, this could be serious. (turns to FALLAPART) Fallapart, go find Bonkers. Don't come back until you've found him. FALLAPART Oh Boy Oh Boy! A tracking job! I'll get right on it, Lucky! (pauses) Who am I looking for again? LUCKY (angrily) BONKERS! You're LOOKING FOR BONKERS! FALLAPART BONKERS? He's MISSING? Ewww... We better get somebody to find him! LUCKY looks up hopelessly. LUCKY (sotto) Toons. (full voice) Well, Fallapart? What are you waiting for? Go find him, buddy! (Shoves FALLAPART OS) MIRANDA watches FALLAPART leave, looks down, does a TAKE and nudges LUCKY. LUCKY picks something up from the ground and RUSHES to the DOOR. PUSH IN on LUCKY. LUCKY (yelling) Fallapart! Come back! You forgot your TAIL! (turns to Miranda, sotto) Does this all the time. (sotto) Maybe I should GLUE it on him. TIGHT on LUCKY, MATCH DISSOLVE to HOLLYWOOD OUTDOOR AMPITHEATRE. (REUSE background from GOOFY and WILEY COYOTE scene) LUCKY and MIRANDA are investigating the area. LUCKY Last night you said that the ransom notes sounded familiar, somehow? MIRANDA (thinks) Yeah... from a long time ago. LUCKY- Pulls out note and re-reads it. LUCKY It's coming back to me... this was back when I was on the force. (gestalt) The case that got me my promotion! Fireball Frank! MIRANDA I remember now. That would explain why Bonkers freaked out about the chili pepper can! LUCKY Oh, great. He knew it all along. And I didn't listen to him- again. I hate it when that happens. MIRANDA- is dismayed. MIRANDA You don't suppose he's gone to look for Fireball, do you? LUCKY (confidently) We have nothing to worry about. Fallapart's looking for him right now. MIRANDA smiles, then looks incredulously at LUCKY just as reality hits him, too. MIRANDA and LUCKY start heading OTS. CUT TO JACKSON and BONKERS, who are still near Jackson's CAR. JACKSON So... do you have any idea who dropped the anvil on that toon? BONKERS The Sarge says it was Goofy, I don't think so. Do you think so? JACKSON I'm sure it was. (pops in a breath mint) BONKERS How can you accuse Goofy, one of the most beloved toons in all of history of being a criminal? QUICK SHOT of LUCKY and MIRANDA running towards camera. BONKERS in foreground is pushed into car by JACKSON. JACKSON Goofy pushed the anvil-- because I pushed Goofy! (piles into car!) LUCKY (exhausted from running) That spelunker guy's got Bonkers! The CAR RUSHES at MIRANDA and LUCKY! As they move away from it, JACKSON sticks his head out and yells (in a different, gruffer voice): YOU'RE NEXT, PIQUEL! As the car SPEEDS into the difference, MIRANDA turns to LUCKY. TIGHT ON MIRANDA MIRANDA (distraught) Did you hear that voice? That's FIREBALL FRANK! FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO FADE IN- SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE LUCKY and MIRANDA are standing in front of GRATING's desk. A WINDOW WASHER is seen in the window behind Grating. He will continue to work throughout the future scenes that take place in the office, occasionally drawing a stupid face or a picture in the soapsuds as he works. GRATING (scowling, irritated) Lemme get this straight- you two LOST Bobcat when Fireball FRANK shoved him in a car and drove off? LUCKY (nods his head) And he said he's coming after me next. This is obviously revenge for the last time I busted him. GRATING (sotto) Don't remind me. (full voice) So, now this maniac has got The President, The Mayor, Chief Kanifky, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse AND Bonkers... and we've only got 24 hours to meet his demands. LUCKY The Government won't pay. We've got to find Frank before then. MIRANDA We're running a make on his car now. BADGE WIPE TO: EXT: LARGE BRICK APARTMENT BUILDING, in disrepair. CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT- CONTINUOUS There is a large circular TABLE here, around which CHIEF KANIFKY, THE MAYOR, BUGS BUNNY, MICKEY MOUSE and BILL CLINTON are tied up and gagged. There is a succulent banquet on the table in front of them, whose aroma visibly wafts up to their noses. It is making everyone hungry, and they are fidgeting as their bonds prevent them from getting at it. ON THE DOOR: FIREBALL FRANK it OPEN and BONKERS inside. BONKERS OS. TIGHT ON FIREBALL FRANK FIREBALL FRANK Hope you like it here with your friends, Bobcat! (moves in closer with rope, presumably to tie up Bonkers, when a doorbell is heard coming from somewhere below) (SFX: Doorbell) Stay there while I answer this. (CLOSES DOOR and moves OS) BONKERS stands patiently in place until the AROMA of the BANQUET WAFTS into his nose (SFX: great sucking sound as he inhales) and he JUMPS onto the TABLE GOBBLING up as much of the food as he can, oblivious to the fact that his tied up comrades are there. Several beats later, he pats his gut (which is as if he swallowed a pillow) and BURPS (protracted) PAN across KANIFKY, THE MAYOR, BUGS, MICKEY and THE PRESIDENT, displaying their reactions of disgust. STOP PAN on BONKERS, who WADDLES off the table, and onto KANIFKY'S lap. He then unties KANIFKY's gag. KANIFKY Good job, Bonkers! (sotto, confidential) Though you could have left some of the food for me. PAN to THE MAYOR, who is making pathetic noises through his gag. MAYOR (muffled) GET ME OUT OF THIS! BONKERS (wags finger scoldingly) Now, now, Mr. Mayor! Didn't your mother ever teach you not to speak with filthy, grimy, germ-ridden gags in your mouth?! (tries to undo knot on gag, but it's hard) (sotto) Hmm... must be a triple sheep-shank dog's leg bow-wow meow knot. BONKERS on the gag, causing THE MAYOR'S EYES TO BULGE! BONKERS ("Sheerluck Bonkers" voice) Do not fear, Mister MAYOR! I have yet another twist to try. CUT TO: EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- LATE AFTERNOON FIREBALL FRANK and FALLAPART RABBIT are talking. FIREBALL FRANK Let me get this straight. You're looking for someone, but you don't remember who he is or what he looks like? FALLAPART Duh-yeah! I only remember his name- Fallapart! FIREBALL FRANK I thought you said your name was Fallapart. FALLAPART (shocked) I was looking for ME? Wow! That means I found me all along- even before I was even looking! Nehah- Wait a second. Am I orange? FIREBALL FRANK Nope. But I've got an orange hostage. FALLAPART I knew an orange hostage once. All the other hostages made fun of it and it ran away. Those hostages could sure run fast! And they kicked real hard. Had trouble flying, too. Spat a lot. FIREBALL FRANK I think you mean 'ostrich'. FALLAPART I do? Wow! What else do I mean? Does this mean if I look up my picture in the dictionary it'll have more than just "Stupid, dumb and ignorant" listed there? FIREBALL FRANK Look, pal... I'd really love to stay and chat, but I've got the PRESIDENT upstairs and I have to tie up that bobcat, so can we have this conversation later? FALLAPART 'Kay. But how will I be able to reach you? FIREBALL FRANK Here's my phone number. FIREBALL FRANK does a TAKE as he notices the "FBI" emblazoned on Fallapart's shirt. He GRABS Fallapart by the collar and LIFTS him into the air! FIREBALL FRANK Did Piquel send you here to SPY on me? Are you his OTHER toon? (he looks up and begins to mindlessly complain) FALLAPART Other TOON?! Where!? (Fallapart BREAKS APART and the rest of his limbs attach to his head as FIREBALL FRANK continues to look up, holding his trunk.) Fallapart's HEAD, LIMBS and TAIL hook together and waddle off. CUT TO: INT. FIREBALL FRANK'S APARTMENT BONKERS has untied and ungagged all the prisoners. WIDE SHOT of BONKERS, THE PRESIDENT and BUGS BUNNY. BONKERS It's such an honor meeting you, your greatness! BONKERS passes by the PRESIDENT and SHAKES BUGS' HAND. BUGS Ehhh... what's up, Doc? BONKERS I love it when you say that! The MAYOR walks up to BONKERS MAYOR Officer Bobcat, can we please get out of here? ON DOOR: FIREBALL FRANK IN FIREBALL FRANK Nobody's going ANYWHERE! I WANT MY TWO BILLION DOLLARS! Huhuhuh... the deadline's almost here, and I haven't heard ANYTHING! FIREBALL FRANK (checks watch) Hmm... gotta go kidnap Agent Piquel. None of you go *anywhere*! (Runs OUT DOOR and OS) BONKERS (anguished) We have to go help LUCKY! KANIFKY PICKLE?! I thought he was dead. BONKERS He works for the GOVERNMENT now, remember? KANIFKY Same difference. (Quick take at THE PRESIDENT) Err... sorry, sir. THE PRESIDENT Pickle... Agent Pickle... oh yes, the FBI agent who writes me every week begging for a transfer or promotion from his job at the FBI's new "Toon Division." KANIFKY- scratches his forehead. KANIFKY I had one of those once... wonder what happened to it. THE PRESIDENT I couldn't help him. SOMEBODY had to watch over that toon rabbit. MAYOR Can we all please GET OUT OF HERE?! PULL BACK- Everyone moves to the DOOR and OS. CUT TO: EST. OTHER SIDE OF DOORWAY/INT. HALLWAY. No one is in sight. A Hand PULLS AWAY a TOON HOLE and PUTS IT IN A POCKET! (underlit for effect) STRANGE VOICE Ahh, Bonkers. Again we meet. Soon, you and your friends will make me very, very rich. BADGE WIPE TO: INT. SGT. GRATING'S OFFICE GRATING, LUCKY and MIRANDA are looking at a CASHIER'S CHECK for TWO BILLION DOLLARS drawn not from the U.S. Treasury, but the New York State Treasury. MIRANDA Why is this check drawn from the New York State Treasury? LUCKY Simple. New York never has enough money to pay for anything. They just keep declaring bankruptcy and going straight ahead as usual. An Infinite source of cash. GRATING (sarcastically) Brillant, PICKLE! Whaddya think Fireball's gonna do when he figures out this check is worth zilch!? LUCKY Well, FRANCIS, hopefully this CHECK will buy us enough time to get Bonkers and everyone else OUT OF DANGER! And remember, my plans ALWAYS work! GRATING You gotta be kidding! LUCKY Which one of us got promoted first? Dead silence. GRATING shifts in his chair. GRATING Well, at least I'm not saddled with a hairbrained TOON all day! MIRANDA looks at him and raises an eyebrow. GRATING buries his head in his hands. MIRANDA What's the deal with the two of you? Ever since you met, you've been at each other's throats! WAVY DISSOLVE TO: DOWNTOWN L.A.- NOON, DOUGHNUT STAND YOUNGER and TRIMMER LUCKY and GRATING in SERGEANT'S UNIFORMS are outside a SQUAD CAR, walking up to the DOUGHNUT STAND, which is SPARKLING new. LUCKY (VO) It was five years ago. FRANCIS and I were partners on beat patrol, and we had just found a new doughnut stand. ACTION: Both men SIT at the COUNTER and take some doughnuts. GRATING (VO) PICKLE and I were both newly promoted, and we made a little bet. ACTION: Both men are now STANDING and posturing, PUFFING OUT Chests and SUCKING IN gut, trying to look as professional as possible and pointing at themselves. (Continuous, increasing in absurdity as the dialouge continues, lots of POINTING to the rank insignia and collars where bars would be.) LUCKY (VO) I bet that FRANCIS wouldn't get promoted before me, and I won when Chief Kanifky made ME Detective four years later. GRATING (VO) Only because that TOON Bobcat saved that STUPID Duck- whatzisname? Donatello?- and personally asked for YOU as his partner! LUCKY (VO) *I* saved _Donald_ and... (uncertain) Kanifky would've promoted me anyway! (afterthought) In any case, I busted the park mugger! WAVY DISSOLVE to scene from "GOING BONKERS" where LUCKY apprehends the PARK MUGGER. GRATING (VO) Only because you tripped on that dumb Bobcat and crushed the mugger with that GUT of yours! (sotto) Stupid, dumb Bobcat. Stupid Toons! LUCKY (VO) Hey! Leave my stomach out of this! CUT TO MIRANDA, who is holding the two apart, as they try to strangle one another. MIRANDA Now I see how this feud got started. (aside) and those guts. (normal) All of it, over a stupid bet. DEAD SILENCE. LUCKY retreats to a neutral corner. GRATING relaxes. LUCKY Miranda's right. This is stupid. We have to save Bonkers. GRATING Can't we just save the whales first? ON DOOR: FALLAPART walks in haphazardly, more rolling than walking. LUCKY (exasperated) What happened to you? FALLAPART I left my heart in San Francisco. And my spleen. My liver and kidneys, too. MIRANDA What were you doing in San Francisco? Did you find Bonkers? FALLAPART Bonkers! Hoho! That's who I was looking for! LUCKY (sotto) Give me strength. GRATING Look, you... you... (notices Fallapart's lack of a trunk) You... halfuva Rabbit! We've got an EMERGENCY here! We don't have time for yer stupid TOON GAMES! FALLAPART Games?! I love games, especially if they're stupid. What're we playing? GRATING How about... 'strangle that toon'? MIRANDA Wait... Fallapart... where did you leave your stomach? FALLAPART Some guy with an orange ostrich has it. MIRANDA (leaning in) What guy? LUCKY (weakly) An orange ostrich? FALLAPART Yeah... I had an orange ostrich once... but all the other ostric- GRATING tries to strange FALLAPART, but he just knocks him apart GRATING Forget about the ostrich, rabbit! Who has yer gut? FALLAPART Some guy. He was real busy too, yeah. Real busy. And bad breath! Whoo, lemme tell ya! Really bad breath. GRATING (slaps forehead) This is getting us nowhere. WIDE SHOT as LUCKY pulls out a walkie talkie and moves OS. PUSH IN on MIRANDA and FALLAPART MIRANDA Wait a sec... ostrich... Fallapart, do you mean 'hostage'? FALLAPART Naww... never had one of those. MIRANDA (looks up) Fallapart, where is your stomach? WIDE: FALLAPART walks over to window and points downward, where a RED PICKUP has SIDESWIPED a SQUAD CAR and is racing out of sight with LUCKY stuck in the backseat, his FACE against the glass. FALLAPART With the guy who's driving that truck. GRATING That's Fireball Frank's truck! How'd Piquel get stuck in there? FROM OS: A generic COP with a HEADSET on walks in, rubbing his HEAD. COP Sarge, I was working at dispatch when some guy knocked me out. Last thing I heard was him making a call posing as an FBI agent. GRATING (Puts his finger on his chin) Hmm... from what we know, Fireball Frank works alone. That means if he's out there with Piquel- there's nobody guarding the Hostages! (Turns to MIRANDA and FALLAPART) Wright, you and the... rabbit get to Fireball Frank's hideout first, and slap the cuffs on him when he arrives. MIRANDA Got it, Sarge! MIRANDA and FALLAPART go through the DOOR and OS. CLOSER on GRATING. GRATING (sotto) I'll be glad when this thing is over. Too many toons around here. GOOFY (VO) Gawrsh. Thanks fer lettun me out, Sergeant. GRATING LOOKS and something OS, throwing it out the DOOR. GRATING Give that to the rabbit that just left! (sotto) Left his tail lying around... this is a police station, not a CARTOON! CUT TO EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS. MIRANDA and FALLAPART head for SQUAD CAR 13, but it is damaged from the pickup collision. Several TIRES are flat, doors are wrecked, and it is obviously useless. MIRANDA Oh, great! Now we have to get another squad car. FALLAPART We can just use my car... Lucky's, really. Best car in the FBI! ZIP PAN to a black cruiser that looks just like Lucky's old squadcar in design, except the broken siren is a single red lamp ala (Hawaii 5-O), and the star insignia is a tattered FBI eagle. As MIRANDA watches it, a HEADLIGHT falls out of its socket. MIRANDA (sotto) I guess the government really is cutting costs. FALLAPART Yeah. We run on a shoestring budget. FALLAPART pulls out a SHOESTRING. MIRANDA looks at it, suprised. FALLAPART We keep returning these to the shoestore for money. MIRANDA gets in the driver's side of the car, and FALLAPART hops into the passenger seat. Without his stomach, his EARS barely peek above the dash. MIRANDA hits the gas, and the car BACKFIRES. CUT to INT. CAR (DASH) FALLAPART flips a switch, under which a sign reads "Siren". CUT TO EXT. CAR (SIREN) The SIREN bulb flickers ON and OFF. (SFX: Antique car horn) WIDE on the STREET as the CAR drives into the distance. CUT TO INT. of a DARK, GLOOMY CAVE. A DARK, MYSTERIOUS FIGURE a TOON HOLE up to the ceiling of the cave! BONKERS, THE PRESIDENT, THE MAYOR, CHIEF KANIFKY, BUGS and MICKEY fall onto the cave floor. DARK FIGURE (smooth, ominous voice) Ahh, Bonkers. Welcome to my lair once again. BONKERS (Does a TAKE) That VOICE! That HAIR! Those PENCILS! Can it BE? Is it my arch nemesis and rival, the foul playing COLLECTOR? THE COLLECTOR Arch Nemesis? We only met once. Has your life been THAT boring since our last encounter? CHIEF KANIFKY I'll have you know that Bonkers here is our very own TOON COP! THE COLLECTOR No longer the out of work actor, eh? Well, it doesn't matter. The DARK CAVE becomes a BRIGHTLY LIT CARTOONIST'S STUDIO! THE COLLECTOR is revealed as his human self in a very bad suit. He runs over to all the characters on stage, shaking their hands. THE COLLECTOR (Excitedly, not ominous) I've become a DIRECTOR! I produce and direct my own films! And you, Bonkers- and Mickey Mouse!- and Bugs Bunny! And everyone!, can be the stars of my newest (and first) production, "Dances with Toons!" DEAD SILENCE. BONKERS makes a quizzical face and walks up to THE COLLECTOR. BONKERS You need help with yer scriptwriting, bud. THE PRESIDENT and the others are in a huddle. It BREAKS, and they go over to THE COLLECTOR. THE PRESIDENT I'd like to help you, but I've got to, uhh... go improve HEALTH CARE! THE MAYOR I'm- I'm going to have to repair all the potholes in the city! CHIEF KANIFKY I have to go FISHING! The SEA BASS won't wait for me! THE MAYOR does a TAKE on CHIEF KANIFKY. BONKERS walks over to THE MAYOR. BONKERS Hey! At least his excuse was believable! Geez... PUSH IN on THE COLLECTOR, BONKERS, BUGS and MICKEY. CUT TO: THE COLLECTOR THE COLLECTOR And what are YOUR excuses? PAN TO BONKERS, BUGS and MICKEY BONKERS, BUGS and MICKEY (arms crossed) Creative differences. THE COLLECTOR pulls out two GUNS, one in each hand. THE COLLECTOR (ominous) Perhaps my two friends, SMITH and WESSON, can convince you *otherwise*. CUT TO: AERIAL SHOT OF SAN FRANCISCO. THE SQUAD CAR is weaving through the traffic, albeit rather badly. Some hubcaps are flying off of it, chasing people off the sidewalks. REAR VIEW OF SQUAD CAR- It grinds to a halt in front of the APARTMENT BUILDING, as the rear BUMPER falls off. MIRANDA gets out of the SQUAD CAR, STEERING wheel in her left hand. MIRANDA Whew. I didn't think we were gonna make it through that last turn. ACTION: FALLAPART out of the passenger side window and BREAKS APART. MIRANDA Look, Fallapart. I think this belongs to you. {MIRANDA bends down and picks up object OS which she then hands to FALLAPART. The object is FALLAPART's trunk.) ACTION: FALLAPART'S HANDS his trunk and attaches it to his LEGS. MIRANDA helps reassemble FALLAPART. FALLAPART (points OS) Look! It's Fireball Frank's pickup truck! MIRANDA Yeah. Let's go inside this apartment bulding. I bet that's where he's got Lucky and the others. FALLAPART (smugly) I don't think so. MIRANDA (hands on hips, irked) Fireball's TRUCK is out here. You SAW him here. He's gotta be here. FALLAPART (points up, annoyed tone of voice) I know Fireball Frank doesn't have Lucky inside because Lucky is falling out of that window, 'kay? TIGHT on FALLAPART's finger, ZIP PAN UP to LUCKY, who is FALLING towards the CAMERA and SCREAMING! FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO ACT THREE FADE IN WIDE SHOT of LUCKY towards a HORRIFIED MIRANDA and a SMUG FALLAPART. ACTION: MIRANDA looks FRANTICALLY around her, and does a TAKE on a FIRE HYDRANT. Quickly, she TURNS ON the hydrant, PICKS UP FALLAPART and RAMS his mouth onto the HYDRANT. FALLAPART begins to SWELL rapidly, like a bloated elephant. ZIP PAN UP to LUCKY LUCKY (hurried) NoNoNONONO! TRACK LUCKY as he into the water-filled FALLAPART, off of him safely onto the sidewalk. FALLAPART out the water, FLOODING the STREET! FIREBALL FRANK out of the APARTMENT BUILDING door and up to LUCKY! FIREBALL FRANK & MIRANDA (to LUCKY) Are you all right? (FIREBALL FRANK past MIRANDA and DUSTS OFF LUCKY's jacket) FIREBALL FRANK I'm so sorry, Agent Piquel. That bananna peel must've fallen on the floor when your toon friend was in there. LUCKY (sotto) Bananna peels- falling out of windows. Great. I've been hanging around toons so much I'm starting to ACT like them. (LUCKY ) MIRANDA walks over to FIREBALL, gun drawn and handcuffs out. MIRANDA You're under arrest for kidnapping and assault on a Federal Agent! (She cuffs FIREBALL and is leading him to the SQUAD CAR) FALLAPART gets in her way and presents a CARD. FALLAPART Duh... aren't you going to Mirandize him? MIRANDA (Shoves FIREBALL in the car, and pockets the CARD.) Very funny. LUCKY (dryly) "Mirandize him"... yeah, good one, palameo... (Turns to MIRANDA) Only, we got one small problem. Mr. Fireball here has LOST his kidnap victims. He was going to ask ME to start an "official" investigation. FIREBALL FRANK (VO) I want you to find my hostages, Piquel! Then I'll get my revenge on ya! MIRANDA You've gotta be kidding. FALLAPART Does this mean I'm looking for me again? CUT TO INT. THE COLLECTOR'S CARTOON CAVE, where BONKERS et al. are being forced to WATCH extremely well animated (preferably COMPUTER GENERATED) TOON FILMS on a LARGE SCREEN. The only problem is the FILMS show nothing but TALKING FACES with FORMAL COLLARS, talking very slowly. CUT TO: FILM TALKING FACE #1 Neo-classical... literature is... very. TALKING FACE #2 Roget... Monet... Renee... Mayonai... TALKING FACE #1 To begin... is to end... TALKING FACE #2 To end... is to finish beginning. CUT TO: BONKERS, who is TREMBLING. BONKERS (sotto, weakly, whimperingly) make it stop... TIGHT ON each of the next speakers as they deliver their lines, each is just as agitated as BONKERS. CHIEF KANIFKY My mind has gone completely... was it ever there? THE MAYOR I admit it! I embezzled! But I put it all back! BUGS BUNNY Err...Err...what'supdoc?what'supdoc?What'supdoc?.... MICKEY MOUSE Heheh... I'm sixty years old... help me.. help me... CUT TO THE COLLECTOR, who a switch that STOPS the FILM. THE COLLECTOR Wonderful animation, isn't it? The next generation, you know. Mickey, Bugs, Bonkers- you were all created with pencils, and- and paper. But the next phase is here! Oh yes, COMPUTERS will create the new toons! My toons are perfectly rendered, exquisitely wrought- but no one seems to like them very much. You MUST help me! BONKERS Aww, come on there, Mr. Really-strange-guy-who-lives-in-a-cave-and-kidnaps- people, ya just gotta work on yer content. I- I mean, those talking heads, they just won't cut it! Now, if you were to say, do gargoyles or sumthin, then MAYBE... but this way, ferget it. THE COLLECTOR Computer generated gargoyles, eh? Perhaps. But I think it would be even better if pencil and ink toons were mixed in with them, wouldn't you say? BONKERS Oh, yeah. Way better. That's a good idea ya got there, mister. You should take it to a network. THE COLLECTOR Yes, well first I need some star power to sell my ideas. And that is where (darkly) YOU come in. THE COLLECTOR presses a BUTTON that DROPS a CAGE on everyone else! THE COLLECTOR Bonkers- you, Bugs and Mickey will co-star with my talking gargoyles while the President, Chief Kanifky and the Mayor will reccommend it to everyone else. I will be rich! BUGS Err, Doc? You may not have noticed, but, ahh, we can't fit into that little computer of yours. MICKEY Yeah! So why don't you just let us go?! THE COLLECTOR Ahh, but I CAN fit you into my plans. Hahahahahaha.... Observe. (THE COLLECTOR a SWITCH, and a GIANT SCANNER LOWERS from the roof!) (The SCANNER looks like a cross between a vacuum nozzle and a lamp) THE COLLECTOR With this digitizing scanner, I can convert you old-fashioned toons into the new DIGITAL format, which will allow you to look just like you do now, except that you will be INSIDE the computer system with my RENDERED toons. BONKERS So how do we get back out? THE COLLECTOR Did I forget to mention? You can't. Once you're in the machine, you're MINE FOREVER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA! (colder) And I can make you do anything I want. BUGS has been chewing his carrot. He WALKS OVER to MICKEY and BONKERS. BUGS Huddle! PUSH IN on BUGS, MICKEY and BONKERS in a huddle as THE COLLECTOR works his COMPUTER in the background. CUT TO A SHOT from INSIDE the HUDDLE, as if the camera were in the ground. BUGS Whadda we do about this crackpot? MICKEY We could drop an anvil on him, knock him out for a little while. BONKERS Naww, he's a human... he'd be out permanent-like. BUT- an anvil could still be just what we need! CUT TO THE COLLECTOR, who is about to throw a switch. THE COLLECTOR And now, prepare to become my willing slaves for eternity! BUGS Err, hold up, Doc. Look, we don't care about being in the computer, but, ahh, you're gonna want promotions for dis ting, rite? THE COLLECTOR Yes! That's where your human friends will come in. MICKEY But think how much better it would look if we were to do a commercial spot with them? It would have to be done out of the computer, though. THE COLLECTOR (rubbing chin) Well, I don't know... BONKERS Ahh, collector, booby, babe- you can digitize us AFTER the commercial! THE COLLECTOR All right! What do you want to do? BONKERS Well, it has to be in 78mm film. None of this 16mm junk. And it has to be set in a concert... CUT TO HOLLYWOOD OUTDOOR AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT. The AUDIENCE AREA is deserted, crickets are chirping, and crumpled papers are blowing across the ground like tumbleweeds. LUCKY, MIRANDA and FALLAPART are sitting in the front row, DEJECTED. LUCKY FBI's been combing every square inch of the Bay area... no sign of Bonkers or the others. We don't even know where to start looking for them. FALLAPART Wish we had brought Toots. MIRANDA (trying to be cheerful) Well, you know Bonkers. He'll show up when we least expect him! LUCKY (sotto) Yeah. Sure. The AMPHITHEATRE stage LIGHTS UP. An ORCHESTRA can be heard KEYING UP OS. MIRANDA I didn't know there was a performance here tonight. LUCKY Me neither. We better get goin- SPOTLIGHT on stage, where BONKERS is holding a microphone. BONKERS Ladies and gentlemen! For your entertoonment tonight, a commercial for The Collector's new show: Gargoyles: It's not Goof Troop Anymore! LUCKY (sotto to Miranda) What's that toon doing? MIRANDA (sotto) It's not his fault! Look! MIRANDA points to a GUN poking into BONKERS' back. LUCKY (sotto) You mean somebody's MAKING him act stupid ON PURPOSE?! Oh brother. TRACK CHIEF KANIFKY who moves to Center Stage and then off after next line. CHIEF KANIFKY I loved the show! (aside) And I haven't even seen it yet. TRACK THE MAYOR who moves to Center Stage and then off after next line. THE MAYOR I really mean it when I say this was the best show I ever saw! I mean it! Not like my campaign promises, oh no... TRACK BILL CLINTON who moves to Center Stage and then off after next lines. THE PRESIDENT I loved the show... I hated the show... no, I liked it... uhh, gimme a sec to make up my mind here... THE COLLECTOR his gun into THE PRESIDENT'S BACK THE PRESIDENT I loved the show! BONKERS (VO) And now, our cast members will perform the 1812 overture in P Major. MIRANDA Did he say 1812 overture? We have to get over to the HUMAN section, QUICK! LUCKY, MIRANDA, THE PRESIDENT and THE MAYOR to the HUMAN AREA. FALLAPART and CHIEF KANIFKY dawdle in the center aisle, looking around. DEAD SILENCE. THE COLLECTOR I'm going to at least DIGITIZE YOU, Bonkers! PULL BACK to reveal LUCKY and FALLAPART ushering all the hostages OS. MIRANDA is moving onto the STAGE from the RIGHT, while THE COLLECTOR is advancing towards BONKERS with a small SCANNER on the LEFT. THE COLLECTOR This HAND SCANNER will be enough to pull you into my machine, Toon! BONKERS (Backing away) Can't we at least talk this over? THE COLLECTOR We'll talk later- when you're starring in my new computer-generated cartoon. CUT TO FORWARD SHOT OF THE COLLECTOR- His SCANNER begins to GLOW brightly. BONKERS is being towards the scanner! MIRANDA (Gun out) FREEZE, Mister! Nobody's digitizing MY partner! THE COLLECTOR Perhaps you're right. THE COLLECTOR his SCANNER and MIRANDA's GUN into it. CUT TO THE COMPUTER SCREEN, where MIRANDA's GUN has appeared on it. WIDE SHOT to show THE COLLECTOR glaring at an amazed MIRANDA. BONKERS (deadpan) Actually, her name is Miranda WRIGHT. Like the airplane? THE COLLECTOR Actually, no. I always get airsick. Now, Bonkers, prepare to be DIGITIZED! MIRANDA (deadpan) What is this with puns at my expense? First Fallapart, then you, Bonkers. A day of that could make someone upset. DOES ANYONE WANT TO KNOW HOW UPSET? THE COLLECTOR & BONKERS (stunned) HOW UPSET? MIRANDA UPSET ENOUGH TO DO THIS! MIRANDA one of the smaller ANVILS on stage and it at THE COLLECTOR's COMPUTER! THE COLLECTOR Not my computer! Not my RENDERED Toons! THE COLLECTOR turns and tries to stop the ANVIL, on his SCANNER CORD. The SCANNER HIM IN! and his FACE can be seen on THE COMPUTER screaming in fear as the ANVIL smashes into the SCREEN. BONKERS Gee, I hope he didn't forget to hit "save". CUT TO: EST. HOLLYWOOD POLICE STATION, DAY PUSH IN on STAIRS, where GRATING, MIRANDA, BONKERS, LUCKY and FALLAPART and THE PRESIDENT are standing as THE COLLECTOR's COMPUTER is being loaded into a truck, next to which FIREBALL FRANK is locked inside the SQUAD CAR. THE PRESIDENT Agent Lucky M. Piquel, you have done your country a great service this day by apprehending Fireball Frank. Therefore it give me great pleasure to finally grant your request for a promotion- LUCKY (sotto) YES! No more TOONS! THE PRESIDENT You are now a SPECIAL Agent, with the priviliges and duties associated with that rank, and the same goes for your partner, Fallapart Rabbit. LUCKY (sotto) Oh no. THE PRESIDENT The two of you will continue to serve the U.S. Government in the FBI's Toon Division. Have a nice day. THE PRESIDENT walks OS. GRATING Wright, Bobcat- The Chief wanted to promote you two to Sergeant for the good job you both did helping out the Feds and saving the hostages, not to mention nabbing this "Collector" guy. So here. GRATING hands them Sergeant's stripes. BONKERS Oh boy! Does this mean we get to eat the same doughnuts, drink from the same water cooler as you, Sarge? GRATING Not exactly. (He snatches stripes away.) MIRANDA Hey! GRATING Heheh. The Chief wanted to promote you, so he did. The MAYOR, however, wasn't so happy with you guys, considering that Bobcat stalled his getaway long enough fer the Collector to grab him, and you, Wright, managed to wreck a city block when you filled that toon rabbit with water! He wanted to FIRE ya, but he settled on demoting you back down to yer old ranks again. Sorry. Have a nice day. Heheheh. GRATING walks OS LUCKY Looks like none of us really came out winners, eh, Bonk-man? BONKERS Oh, I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. CUT TO A TELEVISION SET On the set is an ad for Gargoyles. (VO: "Coming soon: Computer graphics and Toons in one HOT new show!"> THE COLLECTOR LEANS into shot. THE COLLECTOR And it was all MY idea! IRIS OUT. THE END