BONKERS! 1999: The Final Season
SEVEN DAYS IN THE VALLEY
"DAY 6: RENT-A-COP LAND"
Characters (C) WALT DISNEY STUDIOS
(save of course Captain Eric Skewer,
and those that belong to others like WB et al.)
Original Story by SUSHIL RUDRANATH
FOR PRIVATE USE ONLY, NOT ENDORSED BY DISNEY,
DON'T SUE ME, I'M A NICE GUY.
(And I stay true to the characters!)
DISTRIBUTE FREELY SO LONG AS NO CHANGES ARE MADE AND THIS
NOTICE REMAINS INTACT
NOTE: This story is set in the sixth(?) season of Bonkers! It and the one
that follows are closely linked, and mark the arc that will end, at least
for me, Bonkers!.
It marks the last furtive Zeno-like advance towards the series finale...
TEASER
FADE IN
OVERLAY TITLE: December 30, 1999, 7:05 AM
DURATION: 3 SECONDS
WIDE ANGLE SHOT - EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS / CITY HALL (The tall building
from Lucky's day)
MAYOR KANIFKY is standing on stage, behind a podium, next to CHIEF SKEWER.
COPS from all over L.A. are sitting in chairs in front of the stage.
KANIFKY
Well, as most of you already know,
thanks to the elimination of most
of the toon criminals over the last
48 hours, I've been able to transfer
more money back from building safer
prisons into funds for your police
departments--
The COPS CHEER.
--and since the public has been
crying out (and really, really loudly,
I can tell you) for some kind of reward
to be given to those fine men and women
who defended the city during those dark
hours of December 28th, when most of LA
was on fire, I am pleased to announce that
all the promotions we've put on hold because
of budget restrictions have been approved!
The COPS give a THUNDEROUS round of applause!
My good friend, Eric Sewer--
CAPTAIN SKEWER smoothly interjects, "Skewer, sir."
Uhm, erm, yes, Fenric Skewer, will present the
promotions for the department that was at the
front lines in this crisis, the uhm, erm, 34th
Precinct!
GRATING, MIRANDA, BONKERS, DENNIS, STARK and other COPS get up on stage.
SKEWER takes the podium. The COPS walk up to meet him as he speaks.
SKEWER
Lieutenant Frank Grating, for service way
above the call of duty, and / or sanity in
the last few days, not to mention years,
you are awarded a promotion to Captain-- a
job I seem to recall you wanting at some time
or another...
SKEWER shakes GRATING's hand, and gives him CAPTAIN's BARS.
SKEWER
Officers Miranda C. Wright and Bonkers D. Bobcat,
for much the same reasons, the two of you are
awarded long-overdue promotions to Sergeant...
SKEWER shakes MIRANDA's hand and gives her her stripes. BONKERS walks up,
saluting stiffly. Toon drums are playing a martial beat in the background.
BONKERS
Sir! Ready and Willing to join the CHAIN OF COMMAND,
SIR!
SKEWER leans over to BONKERS, and whispers
SKEWER
Bonkers, don't make me *feed* the stripes to you!
BONKERS calms down. SKEWER shakes his hand and gives him his stripes.
CUT TO the same stage, only with no cops present, save SKEWER, BONKERS,
GRATING and MIRANDA.
OVERLAY TITLE: An hour later... DURATION: 3 seconds
SKEWER
Everyone, we have a problem.
MIRANDA
What is it, sir?
SKEWER
We did the budgetary math again, and
it looks like we don't have the cash
to support so many new high-ranking
officers at the 34th. It looks like
we'll have to fire some people.
FADE OUT on the shocked faces of MIRANDA, BONKERS and GRATING!
RUN CREDITS
FADE IN
ACT I
FADE IN on the shocked faces of MIRANDA, BONKERS and GRATING.
CUT TO SKEWER
SKEWER
...or, give some officers-- heck, a lot
of officers-- one month's leave until we
can weasel some more money from the state
coffers. Mayor Kanifky has offered to put
everyone up free of charge at his new
beachside resort in Miami, Florida.
GRATING
How many officers?
SKEWER
Everybody. Starting now. You'd all be back
to work by February 1st, 2000. Everyone's
been under a lot of stress lately, so I'm
making it an official order. Heck, If I
knew where to find him, I'd make Darkwing
Duck go with you. As a deputized officer
of the law, he'd have to comply. Right,
young meateater?
SKEWER is staring at GRATING as he says this.
GRATING
I know he'd agree with you, sir.
SKEWER nods.
Who's gonna watch the city while we're
soaking up sun down south?
SKEWER
Trust me... you don't want to know. Now
report to LAX... your bags are packed and
the plane's waiting.
CUT TO INT. 34th PRECINCT- READY ROOM. SKEWER is behind the podium.
SKEWER
Well, it's just you and me, Sergeant.
We've got the city all to ourselves.
BONKERS, who was intently reading a comic book, slams it shut.
BONKERS
(whining)
But I wanna go on vacation, too!
SKEWER
Trust me... you'll do more good here than
you will there.
CUT TO EXT. NEW TOONTOWN CONSTRUCTION site -- basically the blasted remains
of TOONTOWN with McDuck construction crews all over it. A SEA of HUMANS
holding up END of the world signs is chanting, and blocking view of the site.
SCROOGE McDUCK's LIMO drives up in front of the crowd. DUCKWORTH gets out of
the drivers' side, and opens up the passenger door. SCROOGE gets out. They
have to yell to hear themselves over the crowd.
SCROOGE
Och! These blasted demonstrators are
louder'n a basketful o' banshees!
DUCKWORTH
Yes, sir! They seem to be rather
upset about the impending turn of
the millennium, sir!
SCROOGE
Stuff and nonsense! It's just another
year!
A FADED, almost TWO-TONE RABBIT in scuzzy clothing passes by, wearing a
sign on his back and front that says "DOOMSDAY NOW". He stops and speaks
to SCROOGE.
RABBIT
Oh, no it isn't, Mr. McDuck. It's almost
here now... almost the end... the finale
is almost upon us... soon, now...
SCROOGE
That's a bunch of new-age mumbo jumbo,
and ye know it!
SCROOGE looks at the rabbit more closely.
Here! Don't I know you from somewhere?
Back in the 30's... aye, you were--
A HUGE, SILENT WHITE ANIME EXPLOSION RISES UP from the CENTER of TOONTOWN!
IT RUSHES UP, THROWING DEBRIS everywhere! SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH crouch down,
covering their eyes as a HAIL of shredded particles heads their way!
When the hail stops, the demonstrators are still chanting, but looking in
towards something. The CROWD parts as SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH go through them.
Martial, ominous music. SCROOGE and DUCKWORTH have horrified looks on their
faces.
SCROOGE
What on Earth?
PULL BACK to an AERIAL shot. DRAMATIC STING as we see a HUGE, SMOKING CRATER
where all of TOONTOWN used to be! Carved into the bottom are, in huge letters,
the words "MEGADUCK LIVES". PULL back to see this reflected in SKEWER's
mirrored shades for an instant. PULL BACK AGAIN to SKEWER standing behind
his podium in the 34th.
SKEWER
(sotto)
And now, we enter... end game.
Behind SKEWER, we see BONKERS chasing down a paper plane.
CUT TO a WIDE ANGLE SHOT of a DARK, grimy alley next to the side of a
building. A door in the side of the building opens, spilling light into
the alleyway. FAWN DEER slowly steps out, a small figure in relation to the
alley. It is dark and damp, and puddles of water are everywhere on the
ground. She steps through a few of them as she timidly makes her way forward,
and the splahes echo.
PUSH in on her feet as they splash through puddle after puddle.
CUT TO A PAIR of DARK, SINISTER feet standing at the other end of the alley.
PAN UP to reveal a DUCK obscured in darkness!
DUCK
Hello, my pretty...
TERRIFYING MUSIC! FAWN looks up, frozen with fear!
The DUCK holds up something in a piece of cloth.
DUCK
I've got a present for you...
The DUCK begins to pull away the cloth, revealing a GUN! FAWN leaps forward,
and delivers a MASSIVE KARATE KICK! The DUCK FLIES BACK and SMASHES into a
wall, slumping onto the ground! FAWN bows to him, them turns and faces the
camera, bowing!
FAWN DEER
Thank you, Master Willari!
Your Advanced Deer Kun Doe lessons
are the best!
LIGHTS spring on, ILLUMINATING the alley! PULL BACK to reveal a HUGE SET!
WACKY WEASEL walks over to FAWN.
WACKY WEASEL
Great work, kiddo... as always. But,
umm... we won't be needin' ya for anymore
commercials-- ever.
FAWN DEER
What? You mean I'm--
WACKY WEASEL
--That's RIGHT! You've just been
signed by the CARTOON NETWORK to
be their latest STAR! Congratulations!
All the toons in the studio cheer FAWN!
FAWN
But what about the studio?
WACKY WEASEL
We'll live, kid. Just go out
there and be a star!
CUT TO INT. TAXI CAB. FAWN DEER is in the back seat, talking a mile a minute,
boring the cab driver to tears.
FAWN
...so I don't wanna lose my
family, but I've got a chance
to become a big star again, like
when I was on Bonkers' old show...
CUT TO the REAR VIEW MIRROR. We see the face of a SPIKE, the bulldog from
Tom and Jerry. He's grizzled and filled with stubble, and he's smoking a
cigar. He looks into the mirror, and his mouth hangs open, the CIGAR almost
falling out.
SPIKE
Oh my gawsh...
CUT TO THE BACKSEAT. FAWN is still talking. Behind her, through the glass,
we see a SILENT, WHITE ANIME EXPLOSION shredding WACKYTOONS, TOONS, CARS
and BUILDINGS!
FAWN
...I think what I need is a sign,
y'know?
FAWN is PRESSED BACK into her seat as the TAXI acclerates!
FAWN
Hey! What gives!?
She looks back and sees the EXPLOSION gaining on the cab!
FAWN
GO FASTER! FASTER!
EXT. SIDE VIEW of the TAXI barely outrunning the BLAST!
A RAPIDLY SPINNING NEWSPAPER fills the screen! Headline: "MEGADUCK VAPORIZES
WACKYTOONS! POLICE INVESTIGATING (the ones who aren't on vacation, that is)"
CUT TO A HUGE CRATER, just like the one at toontown. SKEWER and BONKERS are
in the center of it. BONKERS is passing a GIANT TOON COMB over the crater.
SKEWER
Even with my Zen-like powers of
concentration, contemplating the level
of power needed to do this gives me
the screaming willies. Bonkers, have
you finished combing the crater?
BONKERS holds up the comb.
BONKERS
Nothing, Chiefy. But the crater is
smaller than last time.
SKEWER
Sergeant... I tell you to comb the
crater and this pathetic toon gimmick
is all you can come up with?
BONKERS' face falls.
SKEWER
You're a SERGEANT now, mister... I expect
you to use your intelligence now. This
kindergarden stuff is passe...
BONKERS sits down, depressed.
SKEWER
...we all know you have to use a
*fine-toothed* comb!
SKEWER whips out a HUGE fine-toothed TOON COMB and hands it to BONKERS.
BONKERS
Wow... you're the only human I know
who can do that, Chief. How do you--
SKEWER
--well, I am at one with all things, but
I think it's because I've been hanging around
*you* too long. Find anything?
BONKERS holds up the comb. Something's snagged in it. SKEWER grabs it.
SKEWER
This is *not* good.
PUSH IN on a DOLL of MAYOR KANIFKY with a BLACK LILAC shoved through it!
OMINOUS MUSIC. FADE OUT.
END OF ACT I
ACT II
FADE IN
BONKERS and SKEWER leap into SKEWER's BLACK PATROL CAR. BONKERS is in the
drivers' seat. The DASH of the car looks like KITT's from KNIGHT RIDER.
BONKERS puts in the key, and twists it. The controls light up.
SKEWER
To City Hall!
Exciting, Superhero music from the 60's!
BONKERS
Atomic batteries to power...
(beat)
Turbines to speed...
CUT to the rear of the car. FLAMES BLAST OUT from the exhaust pipe! The
ENGINE ROARS!
CUT TO INT. PATROL CAR. BONKERS is staring ahead, looking forward intently,
gripping the wheel tightly. His every sense is awake, alive.
The ROAR of the engine is loud. PULL BACK to show the car standing still.
We hear
SKEWER
PUT IT IN GEAR!!!
BONKERS
Oh *yeah*...
The car ROCKETS FORWARD and out of shot with a SONIC BOOM!
CUT TO EXT. POLICE HEADQUARTERS / CITY HALL. Nothing is there but a small
crater.
The PATROL CAR SCREECHES TO A HALT, SKIDDING and making a U-TURN. When it
stops, SKEWER and BONKERS leap out and run to the crater.
BONKERS
Holy Vaporization, Skewer-man!
SKEWER
Look there...
SKEWER points to a child like picture of a flower, some trees and the sun
painted on the sidewalk. BONKERS winces and tries to cover SKEWER's eyes!
BONKERS
Don't look! You don't wanna know--
SKEWER waves him off.
SKEWER
Yes, Bonkers, I know what it says.
Toon graffiti... is nothing beyond
the sick mind of this diseased malefactor?
SKEWER notices some kids walking towards the rubble.
SKEWER
Children! Avert your eyes from this
sick display of criminal malfeasance!
CHILDREN
Yes, Mr. Police man.
SKEWER
Now run along home... and don't jaywalk!
Remember! Cross on the green, not in between,
tread on the red, and you're dead!
BONKERS
Chiefy... isn't that, umm... a bit morbid?
SKEWER
No, *this* is morbid.
A FADED, almost TWO-TONE RABBIT in scuzzy clothing passes by, wearing a
sign on his back and front that says "DOOMSDAY NOW". He stops and stares
at SKEWER.
RABBIT
Your time is almost over, Chief...
He's taken Kanifky... it has begun!
BONKERS
It's that guy again! Where've I
seen 'im before?
The RABBIT runs off! BONKERS starts to go after him, but SKEWER holds him
back.
SKEWER
Your paths will cross again, young
Bobcat. For now, we've got to focus
on getting the Mayor back. Remember
when I said on the news that the bombing
of the 34th was a turning point--a nexus in the
affairs of toons and man?
BONKERS nods.
SKEWER
It opened up the door for the deputization
of any toons willing to stand up against the
wrath of Negaduck, or as he calls himself
now, Megaduck. Since we have no police
force, your job is to go through that door--
get as many toons together as you can, and
get ready to take out Megaduck when I call.
SKEWER pulls his gun, a .50 caliber Desert Eagle with lasersight, and arms it.
I've got to go see a jail about a foghorn.
The city's in your hands, Bonkers. This is
the moment you've been working towards for
six years. I know you can handle it.
SKEWER hands BONKERS a CRYSTALLINE BADGE.
I got this for being on the force 20 years.
Now, it's yours. A keepsake, if you will.
SKEWER takes off his SUNGLASSES and puts them in BONKERS' shirt pocket.
Hang on to these too... you'll never know *when*
you'll end up needing them.
Before BONKERS can react, SKEWER hops in his PATROL CAR and DRIVES OFF.
BONKERS
(sotto)
Thanks, Chief... but where am I gonna
find toons ta deputize?
A MASSIVE EXPLOSION ROCKS the street! BONKERS turns to see LUDWIG VON DRAKE's
apartment building collapse in on itself!
BONKERS runs to the scene, where PROFESSOR VON DRAKE is standing in the
middle of the rubble, charred. In the background, the FADED, almost TWO-TONE
RABBIT in scuzzy clothing stops and takes a REMOTE CONTROL-LIKE device from
the rubble, walking off with it.
BONKERS
Professor Von Drake! What happened here?
VON DRAKE
Vell, I vas vorkin' on makin' da
perfect slicea toast, don'tchya know,
ven alluvasudden vat looks like Negaduck
on too many vitamins pops up outsidea my
vindow and starts makin' ready ta hit me
vit somesorta Anime explosion thingy!
BONKERS
How'd you survive it?
VON DRAKE
I dunno! He sends out dis pointa light,
and just den my toaster thingy alarm
bell goes off, and everythin' explodes!
Vhatta mess!
BONKERS
Yeah, but everywhere else got vaporized!
BONKERS slaps a POLICEMAN's OUTFIT on VON DRAKE!
BONKERS
Collect yer stuff an' report to tha 34th
Precinct! I'm hereby deputizin' you into
an official-type deputy!
VON DRAKE
How are you gonna pay me? I heard da police
all left town cuz dere was no money!
BONKERS
I'm rentin' you as a service ta the public!
So any money I owe ya's due the firsta next
month!
VON DRAKE
But that's in a whole 'nother millennium!
Vell, technically not, since in reality,
da millennium doesn't schtart till 2001, but--
BONKERS drags VON DRAKE by the arm.
CUT TO INT. 34th PRECINCT - READY ROOM. BONKERS enters, followed by
VON DRAKE, GRUMBLES and JITTERS, all in police uniform. FAWN is sitting in
one of the seats in front of the podium.
BONKERS
Fawn, what're you doin' here?
FAWN
Megaduck destroyed Wackytoons and I
wanna get even!
BONKERS
Fawn, you should let us handle this!
It's dangerous out there, and
We're trained professionals!
PAN ACROSS the group. VON DRAKE makes a small explosion with some test tubes,
scorching his face; GRUMBLES is barely fitting into his uniform, and JITTERS
is twitching uncontrollably, muttering "IhatemylifeIhatemylifeIhatemylife";
BONKERS is beaming at them with pride.
FAWN shakes her head and MAULS the group with DEER KUN DOE moves! They're
liying in a PILE on the ground.
FAWN
I think *that* qualifies me.
BONKERS sticks out a misshapen arm from the pile.
BONKERS
(weakly)
Maul blows thin flavor fluff
baking Pawn a louise stopper,
maze sure lands...
Three ARMS stick out from the group, accompanied by a lot of groaning.
BONKERS
Sew vee eet.
The GROUP collapses.
CUT TO AN UNKNOWN, DARK, SPOOKY LOCATION. CHIEF SKEWER is in a room with
boxes of food everywhere. There are windows overlooking a large body of
water, as well several LEVERS and buttons mounted in a control panel.
SKEWER
This is the place, all right.
SKEWER pulls out a cellular phone and dials.
CUT TO the 34th Precinct. BONKERS picks up a phone located in the corner
of the room.
BONKERS
Lemme put you on speaker.
BONKERS fiddles with some buttons. We hear SKEWER speaking.
SKEWER
--no time! Alcatraz Island! You got that?
Alcatraz--
We hear GUNSHOTS, a muffled "arrgh", a thump, diabolical laughter,
and the line goes DEAD!
BONKERS
Chief Skewer?
(beat)
Chief?
(beat)
CHIEF?!
The phone crackles. BONKERS looks at it hopefully. The voice he hears,
however, is
MEGADUCK
Eww, that was messier than I thought it
would be! Yuck! Oh well, onto the Mayor...
MEGADUCK whistles.
BONKERS looks across the room at the other toons, who are shaking their heads.
Ominous music. PUSH IN ON BONKERS' face as he yells
BONKERS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT II
ACT III
FADE IN
MARTIAL MUSIC. PUSH IN on BONKERS' ARM as he straps a BLACK ARMBAND on it.
He walks past JITTERS, GRUMBLES, FAWN and VON DRAKE, each standing at
attention.
BONKERS
We're goin' ta Alcatraz Island,
and we're goin' ta get da Mayor
back alive! Any questions!
JITTERS raises a trembling hand.
JITTERS
Can I stay here?
BONKERS
Nope! Let's go!
CUT TO EXT. 34th PRECINCT. A beat-up old SWAT VAN is being pushed into view
by GRUMBLES. VON DRAKE is looking under the hood.
VON DRAKE
Dis ain't good, lemmetellya...
da engine is schtuck im reverse.
BONKERS
That's okay! Reverse is all we need!
FAWN
Yeah, considering the way you drive!
BONKERS
Who's talkin' about driving?
PAN to the end of the street, where GRUMBLES has RAMMED two huge POLES into
the asphalt. VON DRAKE strings a huge RUBBER BAND across them. PAN to the
OTHER end of the street, where a HUGE RAMP has been set up!
CUT TO INT. VAN.
BONKERS
Everybody in!
JITTERS
Does this thing have airbags?
BONKERS
Nopers.
JITTERS
They never do.
Everyone gets in, CROWDING into the front of the VAN. BONKERS grabs the
gearstick and puts it in reverse.
SIDE VIEW of the VAN RACING BACKWARDS, RAMMING the RUBBER BAND and PULLING
it TAUT!
BONKERS
Everybody, hang on! I'm puttin'
it in neutral!
The VAN LAUNCHES FORWARD, going up the RAMP and FLYING into the AIR!
JITTERS
I can't understand why we just didn't
take a plane!
BONKERS
Who says we aren't?
A HUGE 747 comes out of NOWHERE, SLAMMING the TRUCK and carrying it off!
CUT TO AERIAL SHOT of ALCATRAZ ISLAND. The VAN falls from the sky, CRASHING
into the middle of the prison!
CUT TO INT. ALCATRAZ. It's very dark. We only see the outlines of our heroes
against the backdrop of long-abandoned cells.
JITTERS
It sure is d-d-dark in here,
Bonkers!
We hear the screams of a tortured MAYOR KANIFKY.
GRUMBLES
That sounds h-h-horrible!
VON DRAKE
I vish ve'd packed sum flashlites!
A toon light bulb pops up over BONKERS' head!
BONKERS
I've got an idea-- well, several!
BONKERS takes the bulb away from over his head. Four more lightbulbs appear,
and he hands one to each of the others. They use them like torches, looking
around the cellblock. FAWN shines hers forward, and we see the silhouette of
SOMEONE sitting at a desk.
FAWN
Look!
PAN over to the desk, where we see two tiger-clawed HANDS, claws extended,
pulling backwards, slowly scratching into the desk, moving forwards and
repeating the process.
BONKERS
Those claws can only belong to one
toon- Shere--
BONKERS aims his light up, illuminating the face of MEGADUCK!
--Megaduck?!
MEGADUCK holds up two tiger arms and tosses them aside casually.
BONKERS
Those are Shere Khan's arms!
MEGADUCK
(grins)
Well, they *were*... and so was this!
MEGADUCK holds up a diskette!
BONKERS
Hey! That's the disk with the formula fer--
MEGADUCK
Liquid Eraser-- yes, I know, yadda yadda
yadda blah blah blah yakety schmackety.
MEGADUCK throws a SWITCH, and the whole CELL BLOCK lights up! Our heroes
casually toss aside their toon lightbulbs. We see MEGADUCK sitting at a desk,
behind which is MAYOR KANIFKY handing upside down, suspended over a large
VAT! PUSH IN as we a see a HUGE, ELABORATE CLAW reach towards KANIFKY, moving
over to his EYEBROWS, where a smaller, SUB-CLAW extends, slowly GRASPING
one of his EYEBROW HAIRS, roughly YANKING IT OUT! KANIFKY SCREAMS again!
BONKERS
You fiend!
MEGADUCK
Oh, that's nothing, my furry feline friend...
soon I start on the *nostril* hairs!
MAYOR KANIFKY is blubbering. MEGADUCK looks at BONKERS' friends.
MEGADUCK
What's with the pathetic pool of
poor police protection, Bobcat?
Where'd you find these jokers,
Rent-a-Cop Land?
GRUMBLES growls.
GRUMBLES
What do you want from us?
VON DRAKE
And Vat's in de vat, if ye don't mind
my askin'?
MEGADUCK
Very simple. I want you all to die--
and what's in the vat'll help that
happen--
FAWN
Lemme guess... Liquid Eraser?
MEGADUCK
Nothing so mundane, my pretty...
that was just too unstable for my
tastes-- so I modified the formula
a bit... and behold, for the first
time in sixty years, anywhere...
genuine, authentic DIP!
BONKERS and the others look at each other, HORRIFIED!
Oh yeah, Von Drake and the other
toons from the 30's did a good PR
job of calling this stuff a fake,
and a myth... but a little *conversation*
with Roger Rabbit fixed that mythconception
riiight up. They didn't want anybody
tryin' ta recreate the formula, but...
it's TOO LATE!
JITTERS
I hate my life. I *HATE* my LIFE!
MEGADUCK
That's all you ever say, isn't it?
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I don't think I *will* be dissolving
you all in my deadly dip--
JITTERS
R-r-really?
MEGADUCK
I think I'll just vaporize you, instead--
behold, the mighty power of the AKIRA WAVE,
which I gave to myself as a present last time
we met, courtesy of the Pen--
MEGADUCK begins to concentrate. A white point of light appears between
his eyes. BONKERS yells out "Hey!" and the point vanishes!
MEGADUCK
Wha? What is it?! I'm *trying* to concentrate
on your ultimate annihilation, here!
BONKERS
I don't think you can vaporize us!
MEGADUCK casually leans against a wall.
MEGADUCK
Oh, really?
BONKERS
Nopers! Your first blast was pretty big--
it took out all'a what wuz left'a Toontown.
Yer second one was half the size'a that--
enough to vaporize Wackytoons. Yer third one
was just enough to leave a small hole where
Police HQ was, and yer last one was too weak
ta completely vaporize Von Drake's apartment
building!
MEGADUCK ponders this, putting a finger to his forehead. He then points
at BONKERS, beginning rather pedantically
MEGADUCK
So, what you're saying is, is that after all
that, if my powers have been getting weaker
every time, I shouldn't have enough power
left to at least hideously *disfigure* five
toons standing what, not twenty feet away from me?
BONKERS gulps.
I'm betting that I do! Prepare to get WASTED!
MEGADUCK cackles hysterically.
BONKERS and the others look at each other with a cold sense of dread.
MEGADUCK begins building up the point of light again!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT III
ACT IV
FADE IN
GRUMBLES YANKS a TABLE out of the ground and puts it down on its side, as
some kind of BARRIER. Our heroes duck behind it.
FAWN
I don't think this table'll protect us.
BONKERS
Professor! You survived onea his attacks--
do you know how you did it?
VON DRAKE
Vell, I tink it had sumthin' ta do with
my alarm clockie-- I tink da noise, it
musta broken his concentration!
BONKERS peeks out over the side of the TABLE. A mini-storm is beginning
to brew around MEGADUCK, and the point of light is getting bigger.
BONKERS
Everybody, make as much noise as you can!
BONKERS, GRUMBLES, JITTERS, FAWN and VON DRAKE leap out from behind the
table, yelling, beating TOON drums, setting off FIREWORKS and playing
HEAVY METAL music. MEGADUCK is unaffected. The point of light GROWS!
VON DRAKE
So much fer dat theory!
GRUMBLES points at MEGADUCK's head.
GRUMBLES
No, look! He's wearin' earmuffs!
Everybody sinks behind the table.
FAWN
There's no way we can distract him
now.
JITTERS
That's it. We're dead.
BONKERS
Maybe if I tackle him... or--
BONKERS leaps up and hurls a PIE at NEGADUCK! It incinerates when it gets
near the BALL of LIGHT!
VON DRAKE
Dere's no vay ta get close to him!
Our heroes look on helplessly as the BALL of LIGHT begins to SHRED and
VAPORIZE everything around it.
CUT TO INT. DARK, SPOOKY ROOM
TIGHT SHOT of an arm clothed in a BLUE sleeve, dripping with a RED substance
slowly, fitfully raising itself to a button marked "foghorn". The Red-covered
HAND at the end of the arm, twitching and trembling, barely manages to SLAP
the button before going completely limp and falling out of shot.
CUT BACK to our heroes behind the table. The ANIME EXPLOSION is almost upon
them!
BONKERS
Well, it's been funny!
SFX: A LOUD, LOUD, LOUD! FOGHORN! The ROOM shakes, and the EXPLOSION turns
into a huge BOOM, taking out everything in front of the table, leaving our
heroes intact!
MEGADUCK
What?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The CEILING COLLAPSES on MEGADUCK! FAWN and BONKERS grab MAYOR KANIFKY and
get him to safety. MEGADUCK BLASTS out of the RUBBLE using his pumped-up
toon MUSCLES! He GLARES at BONKERS!
MEGADUCK
I've HAD IT with you, BOBCAT!
It ENDS here!
FAWN, GRUMBLES, and VON DRAKE get behind BONKERS! JITTERS stays with the
MAYOR.
BONKERS
Face it, Megs! Fer once yer
totally outnumbered!
FAWN
Yeah! You don't have any
henchmen to hide behind now...
you ruined them all!
MEGADUCK
Ruined? RUINED? I *IMPROVED*
them all!
BONKERS
You couldn't leave well enough
alone, could ya? Ya had to redraw
them, tamper with stuff-- you
couldn't leave the good stuff that
was originally there alone-- you
had to change it ta fit what you
wanted, no matter how badly it
damaged things people took years
ta make!
VON DRAKE
Ya! Und look at da result! No
more Toontown, No more Wackytoons,
half da toons in Hollywood are kaput,
and you've got no henchmen! *You're* not
even da same!
MEGADUCK
Yeah? Well, nobody *else* was doin' anythin'
with 'em, so *I* took charge! Nature abhors a
vaccuum, after all-- and I've got two tricks
left up my sinister sleeve--
MEGADUCK
I am the Alpha, and the Omega...
BONKERS
Really? I didn't know you were Greek!
MEGADUCK
No, you idiot! I am the BEGINNING of your END!
MEGADUCK laughs, and the laughter ECHOES! Suddenly, he splits into 4 ducks!
One is a large, red, muscled Negaduck. The other is a black, thin, wispy
Negaduck. The third is a cool blue, otherwise normal looking Negaduck, and
the fourth is a yellow Negaduck-drawn-by-Picasso (i.e. distorted, all
perspectives)
4 DUCKS
(chorus)
We're the Apocalypse Boys!
Anger, Cruelty, Intellect and... Chuckles!
VON DRAKE
Oy! Megaduck's gone and split himself into
his component emotions!
ANGER
Us bam bam you!
INTELLECT
What my overly muscled friend here means to
say is that we will proceed to systematically
torture you in various methods scientifically
designed to--
CRUELTY
--We will teach you to experience a thousand
subtle shades of pain. First, we start by
plucking your nasal hairs--
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha!
ANGER RIPS an IRON BAR out of one of the JAIL CELL DOORS! He shapes it into
a PUPPY and then MANGLES it! GRUMBLES TACKLES him!
INTELLECT begins teaching a HIDEOUS math lesson! VON DRAKE begins correcting
him! CRUELTY begins TICKLING JITTERS! CHUCKLES LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY!
BONKERS is with the blithering MAYOR, when out of the corner
of his eye, he sees a grotesque sight... a MAN covered in...
BONKERS
Blood!
CHIEF SKEWER walks calmly through the middle of the fights, and meets
BONKERS.
BONKERS touches some of the BLOOD. He sniffs it, and tastes it. He spits it
out.
Eww... *catsup*. Stale catsup.
SKEWER
Yes, it was quite nasty. Your
friends seem to be stalemated.
BONKERS looks around. INTELLECT and VON DRAKE are staring each other down.
GRUBMBLES and ANGER are locked in an ARM WRESTLING match that's going
nowhere. CRUELTY seems unable to hurt JITTERS more than he's already been
hurt before. A toon LIGHT BULB pops up over BONKERS' head! He pulls out
a WHISTLE and blows it! Everyone looks at him.
SFX: KUNG-FU hand movement FX
BONKERS is acting like a traffic cop. He points at FAWN, and directs her to
ANGER. He moves GRUMBLES to INTELLECT, and VON DRAKE to CRUELTY. CHUCKLES
is still just standing there.
FAWN
My, you're CUTE!
FAWN KISSES ANGER, who melts into a pile of goo!
GRUMBLES
I'm gonna SMASH YOU!
INTELLECT
Why?
GRUMBLES
Because you're THERE!
INTELLECT
That makes no sense, logically.
GRUMBLES POUNDS INTELLECT, who vanishes in a puff of logic!
CRUELTY
Listen, old man... I'm going to
CRUELTY whispers something EVIL to VON DRAKE, who goes PALE!
VON DRAKE
But vat if you
VON DRAKE whispers something back to CRUELTY.
CRUELTY
Eeeww... not even *I* coulda thoughta
something *that* torturous!
CRUELTY looks at VON DRAKE strangely for a moment and DROPS an ANVIL on
himself, vanishing. Everybody looks at VON DRAKE.
VON DRAKE
Vat? I *am* a mad scientist, after all,
y'know!
CHUCKLES laughs hysterically and GRABS FAWN, dragging her up over the
debris, some of which has dissolved in the VAT of DIP! He LEAPS up onto
a GANGPLANK suspended high above the VAT!
CHUCKLES
Hahahahahahaha! I'm a'callin'
you OUT, Bobcat-man!
SKEWER looks over at GRUMBLES and JITTERS.
SKEWER
You two-- deputies... there are
several boats on the far side of
the island. Take Mayor Kanifky
and head for San Francisco. Get him
to a hair transplant center immediately!
GRUMBLES and JITTERS nod to SKEWER, and take KANIFKY away.
BONKERS jumps up on the other end of the GANGPLANK!
CHUCKLES
And now for his last trick...
Just before he left for Alcatraz,
Megaduck set up a little thermonuclear
*present* in the middle of Hollywood
just in case he didn't make it back...
and now only I know the code to stop
the countdown. So, Bonkers, what'll it
be? The city, or your girl?
HeeHeeHahaha!
SKEWER
Bonkers! Von Drake and I will find and
stop the bomb! You save Fawn!
CHUCKLES looks down at SKEWER and hisses.
CHUCKLES
How *did* you survive, anyway? I shot
you *nine* times with your own gun!
SKEWER
Correction. You shot *at* me nine times.
Using my martial arts skills, which are
second to none, I plucked three bullets
out of the air with my right hand, three
with my left hand, and the other three hit
boxes containing bottles of catsup, which
spilled all over me and fell on my head,
knocking me out for a time. Hence this
red, blood-like covering.
With blinding speed, CHUCKLES whips out SKEWER's Desert Eagle and fires
at him, point blank range!
PUSH IN on SKEWER's face. SKEWER spits out the bullet unconcernedly. It
RICOCHETS and makes a small HOLE in the CEILING. He turns to VON DRAKE.
SKEWER
Professor, I think we have some work to do.
We've got to get to Hollywood, pronto.
BONKERS
Wait! What about the rabbit who said yer
time was up? And the badge--
SKEWER
He must've known about *my* promotion.
BONKERS
Your promotion?
SKEWER
Yup. Starting Monday, I'm officially
Police *Commissioner* Eric Skewer.
BONKERS gives SKEWER a THUMBS UP!
VON DRAKE
Well, *Commish*, if we don't get ta
Hollywood, dere von't *be* anyone left
ta care!
SKEWER and VON DRAKE exit shot. BONKERS is alone with CHUCKLES and FAWN!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha! Now, we fight for the life
of the lovely little Miss Fawn...
CHUCKLES HURLS FAWN off the GANGPLANK over the VAT of DIP!
SKEWER and VON DRAKE run back just in time to see her FALL IN!
...or NOT! HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS looks down, HORRIFIED!
FADE OUT
END OF ACT IV
ACT V
FADE IN
TIGHT SHOT of the VAT of DIP. FAWN climbs out, unhurt.
FAWN DEER
It's just Thembrian Gruel!
CHUCKLES
Hmph...
BONKERS
But HEY, it's still dip--
VON DRAKE
--For Thembrian Nachos...
SKEWER
...a deadly combination, to be sure.
Miss Deer, I suggest you remove all
that gruel from your person before
we get outside. Let's get out of here.
SKEWER and VON DRAKE take FAWN with them. SKEWER yells out as he leaves,
SKEWER
Now, young Bobcat, there are no
distractions!
CHUCKLES whips out a long toon feather!
CHUCKLES
It's a two - toon dance, now!
HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES rips off the surface of the feather, revealing a STEEL BLADE
underneath!
BONKERS
Hey! That's cheating!
CHUCKLES
I *am* the villain, here... remember?
HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS hurls a PIE at CHUCKLES! CHUCKLES swallows it whole!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha!
Raspberry Pineapple... my favorite!
CHUCKLES whips out a TOON PAINTBRUSH and CAN, painting a tunnel on the side
of the gangplank! A HUGE TOON TRAIN RUSHES at BONKERS! BONKERS jumps on top
of it and runs quickly, maintaining his position on it like on a treadmill.
Finally, it passes, and he DROPS to the ground, exhausted. CHUCKLES whips
out a TEA SET and a CONTAINER OF SUGAR.
CHUCKLES
One lump... or TWO THOUSAND?!
HeeHeeHahaha!
TWO THOUSAND TOON MALLETS attack BONKERS! BONKERS is wobbling around, doing
pirouettes. CHUCKLES straps a HUGE toon FIRECRACKER to BONKERS' back, and
LAUNCHES him around the JAIL, SMACKING him into walls, lights, everything.
BONKERS lands back on the gangplank, bumps sprouting out of him everywhere.
CHUCKLES sets up a XYLOPHONE and uses BONKERS as the hammer, playing out
a short tune, after which the XYLOPHONE BLOWS UP in BONKERS' face!
BONKERS is little more than a charred stick with eyes wobbling in place.
CHUCKLES attaches a MEGATON ANVIL to a SLINGSHOT and FIRES it at BONKERS!
BONKERS goes SAILING through twenty walls on the front of the anvil!
The thin, charred stump of a toon called BONKERS crawls back onto the
gangplank.
CHUCKLES
Tenacious, ain't he? HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES shapes himself into a BABY KANGAROO and PUMMELS BONKERS with his
feet, rolling BONKERS into a ball and hurling him into the air! When BONKERS
comes down, CHUCKLES catches him a CATCHER's MITT, spitting into the glove
and HURLING BONKERS into the mouth of a PIRHANA! The PIRHANA spits him out
into a SHOTGLASS, into which CHUCKLES drops a MATCH!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha! Bobcat Flambe'!
BONKERS crawls out of the glass, barely a heap of ashes. CHUCKLES descends
into the gangplank, walks along the bottom of it and comes up behind BONKERS.
He then shapes BONKERS into a CHARCOAL pencil and draws a SKETCH of BONKERS
which pops back to normal! CHUCKLES sticks two sticks of dynamite in BONKERS'
ears, and gives BONKERS a big KISS, after which the dynamite EXPLODES!
CHUCKLES
Ain't I a stinker? HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS shakes his head and mutters, "You're despicable." He steps forward,
only to get his leg caught in a BEAR TRAP! BONKERS backs up, SLIPPING on a
BANANNA PEEL and FALLING into a pile of MOUSETRAPS, which snap all over him!
CHUCKLES walks over to him, leans down and BELCHES for a LONG TIME!
CHUCKLES
Face it, Bobcat. You're outtooned!
Give up now, or face the wrath of--
CHUCKLES holds out a pair of underpants-- briefs.
--my patented pant-falling gag!
(beat)
Oh, lest I forget, HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS gulps, and holds up his hands. CHUCKLES looks up and laughs!
BONKERS scoots by CHUCKLES at BLINDING SPEED, and when CHUCKLES looks down,
he's wearing the briefs! CHUCKLES crosses his legs and blushes, moving
out of shot for a second. When he steps back in, he sees a pile of Cocoa
Puffs cereal on the ground in a bowl. He swallows it, and gets PULLED onto
a GIANT MAGNET! BONKERS steps into shot, painting a METAL PELLET to look
like a COCOA PUFF. BONKERS pulls a LEVER on the MAGNET, and all the METAL in
the JAIL SLAMS onto CHUCKLES!
BONKERS
My, but you've got a magnetic personality!
CHUCKLES pries himself off the magnet, only to see MORGANA MAWCABER walking
up to him. He runs to her, hearts popping all around him. MORGANA sloppily
moves over to him and gives him a hug... her head falls off, revealing a
STICK OF DYNAMITE, which EXPLODES! CHUCKLES falls onto the gangplank, fuming.
Dozens of little tiger cubs run up to him, pointing and saying "Mama, Mama!"
CHUCKLES shakes his head, and then looks up to where they are really pointing.
The MAMA LION is NOT HAPPY! She MAULS CHUCKLES! BONKERS hands her a check and
she walks off with her kids. CHUCKLES staggers forwards, pointing at BONKERS.
BONKERS points behind CHUCKLES. CHUCKLES looks back, only to get a FALLING
TREE right in the FACE! He spins around, only to get CRUSHED by a FALLING
BOULDER! He cracks out of the boulder in time for THUNDER to strike him!
BONKERS covers him in honey. Bears attack. Then bees attack. Then bears AND
bees attacks. Ants carry him off on a spit. CHUCKLES comes back, half-eaten,
only to get smacked repeatedly by an irate GRANNY.
BONKERS
Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
An ANVIL drops on CHUCKLES! He staggers forward a step. A CAR falls on him!
He staggers again. A BOAT. A TRAIN. AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER. THE EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING. SATURN. CHUCKLES, flat as a board, pulls himself forward, only to
be fed into a LAUNDRY WRINGER and from there into a PRINTING PRESS, where
the words "whatta sucker" are printed all over him. BONKERS slaps a DUNCE
cap on CHUCKLES' head and sends him to the rear of a CLASSROOM where kids
fill him with HELIUM, and when he floats up like a balloon they SHOOT him
down with arrows! CHUCKLES bounces all over the jail and comes to a stop
in front of BONKERS!
CHUCKLES
Hee... Hee... Ha.. ha.. owww...
I give up... you're the better
toon--
BONKERS beams!
CHUCKLES
--but I'm the guy with the *gun*!
HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES whips out SKEWER's GUN and aims it at BONKERS!
CHUCKLES
I've got *five* bullets left,
bobcat. One of 'ems gotta hit
the mark. Hands up! HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS raises his hands. A RAY of sunlight falls on the gangplank through
a small HOLE in ceiling, then it vanishes, thanks to a cloud passing over
the sun.
CHUCKLES
I've always wanted to see what
would happen if a toon gets shot
*fer real*...
CHUCKLES fires a SHOT! BONKERS' HAT goes flying off his head!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES FIRES ANOTHER SHOT! BONKERS' BELT BUCKLE flies off! His shirt
opens up!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES fires ANOTHER SHOT! BONKERS' BADGE FLIES OFF, and the CRYSTALLINE
one SKEWER gave him clatters out of his inside pocket!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHaha... hmm? What's that all about?
CHUCKLES FIRES at the BADGE, SHATTERING IT!
BONKERS
Hey! That was a PRESENT!
CHUCKLES
No matter, cat-boy. This last
shot's fer *you*.
CHUCKLES AIMS at BONKERS!
BONKERS is sweating. The RAY of sunlight comes back through the hole in the
ceiling, and BOUNCES off the fragments of the CRYSTALLINE BADGE, momentarily
BLINDING CHUCKLES! BONKERS RUSHES him and knocks the GUN out of his hands,
where it falls into the vat of DIP and dissolves, but not before discharging
a SHOT which hits one of the GANGPLANK's SUPPORTS!
BONKERS
What the--?
CHUCKLES
Oh yeah... forgot to mention,
this stuff is sunlight-activated!
Megsy didn't want ta fall in by
accident--
CHUCKLES SHOVES BONKERS off the gangplank!
--he wanted ta push you!
HeeHeeHahaha!
BONKERS is hanging onto the edge of the gangplank with his fingers. He tries
to extend toon claws, but they're just stubs.
CHUCKLES
Not as sharp as you used ta be, huh?
HeeHeeHahaha!
CHUCKLES STAMPS on one of BONKERS' HANDS! The WHOLE GANGPLANK rocks!
QUICK PAN to a FRAYED support CABLE slowly UNWINDING.
BONKERS
Stop! We'll *both* fall in!
CHUCKLES starts JUMPING UP and DOWN, rocking the GANGPLANK more and more!
The SUPPORT CABLE SNAPS! The GANGPLANK swings DOWNWARDS at an ANGLE! The
other SUPPORT CABLE is strained! CHUCKLES slides down the GANGPLANK
halfway! He reaches out a hand towards BONKERS, who is hanging from the
safety rail by his TAIL. BONKERS reaches out a HAND. CHUCKLES GRABS it, and
PULLS BONKERS DOWN! Now BONKERS is hanging onto CHUCKLES right over the vat!
DRAMATIC MUSIC increasing in tempo.
CHUCKLES
Bye, Bye, Bobcaaat...
CHUCKLES lets go! BONKERS falls towards the DIP!
CHUCKLES
HeeHeeHahaha!
HeeHeeHahaha!
HEEHEEHAHAHooo-- OH, NO!
CHUCKLES slips and falls! He falls past BONKERS, who is using his open shirt
like a parasail. BONKERS lands next to the vat of DIP. CHUCKLES is sinking
into it, slowly.
CHUCKLES
Get me outta here, Bobcat!
BONKERS
It's too late!
CHUCKLES
So true...
BONKERS
Whaddya you mean?
CHUCKLES
Tick, tock... only I've got the
codes ta stop the atomic clock...
HeeHeeHahablurbblurbblurb
CHUCKLES disappears under the surface of the DIP.
BONKERS
Negaduck's finally gone fer good.
It's finally over.
BONKERS looks at the DIP.
BONKERS
I can't let this fall inta the wrong
hands.
BONKERS lights a match and throws it into the DIP. He runs off, and it
EXPLODES! BONKERS barely outruns the massive fireballs of the explosion!
He gets out of Alcatraz just as it goes up in a small mushroom cloud.
BONKERS looks out over the San Francisco bay as the sun begins to set.
BONKERS
I wonder how Chief Skewer's doin.
CUT TO INT. MAYOR KANIFKY's house. VON DRAKE and CHIEF SKEWER run in,
breathless and exhausted. The ATOMIC BOMB sits on a table in the center
of the room. VON DRAKE whips out his tools.
VON DRAKE
Qvick! How much toime does it say
we've got on da timer thingy? How
many minutes left? I'll need at least
five... so, vhat's da number on da
timer!?
SKEWER runs over to the bomb and looks at it.
SKEWER
Zero.
CUT BACK TO BONKERS looking at the SAN FRANCISCO SKYLINE. A BOOM! ROCKS the
scene, and a HUGE MUSHROOM CLOUD SWELLS UP in the direction of LOS ANGELES.
Glass BREAKS on all the windows of the skyscrapers in the distance, all the
lights go out and a WAVE forms in the bay as the shockwave passes through
the water. BONKERS sways a little as a stiff breeze hits him.
BONKERS
It can't be... It can't be!
This can't be happening...
This *can't* be happening!
FADE OUT on OMINOUS, DRAMATIC MUSIC
THE END... OF PART 6
TO BE CONCLUDED IN "IT'S A WONDERFUL TOON"